Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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Coo-coo and hum.

I have know idea how they got them in the house. It never occurred to me to think of those things — the logistics of moving an organ, a clock. And just as I assumed this clock that coo-cooed on the hour was called a Grandfather clock because it was his, I thought it was a Grandma organ, because it was hers. 

But it must have been fairly spectacular – this finding of an organ mover, a clock mover, to a farm house just outside of Alexandria, Minnesota. And they must have come through the front door – a door we never used, never even considered. And even if they came through this front door, there would have been a stoop to be navigated. A tiny hall before reaching the living room. But as I said, I didn’t think of it, how they got there. But I did count on it, them being there. 

And that was the gift, I suppose. It was all an assurance. One I didn’t ask for, or prayed to keep, I just had it. I knew, without a doubt, what would be found in this house. Coats and overalls hanging in the entry. A kitchen table with uneven legs. Candy in the corner cupboard on the lazy-susan. Sugared cereal beneath the silverware drawer beside the kitchen sink, a kitchen sink that was forever filled with dishes. Something on the stove. Publisher’s Clearing house magazines on the dining room table. The hint of pipe tobacco and baked goods. Television on. A ticking clock. The hum of the organ at the ready. And a love, no matter how many doors or windows were left open, would never leave. 

So it continues to be spectacular — this never knowing how it all got in — mostly the love. I just remember always having it. I still have it. And what a thing to move! To carry throughout a lifetime! Enough to make a heart ever coo-coo and hum.


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Almost seamless.

A butt joint is the simplest one to make. It’s also the weakest.

You can buy premade panels — completely prepared for painting — and it occurs to me that one might call this “cutting corners,” when actually you are doing nothing of the sort. 

It was only through trial and error that I learned how to make panels for painting. It was tempting to just butt the two pieces of wood up against each other. Making the 45 degree angles took time. Patience. Sanding. Sometimes filling the cracks. But I found even with slight errors, these joints were so much stronger. And when I finished the process, the seam almost disappeared — the wood one fluid piece. Painting is then the reward. 

We all have acquaintances — these butt joint relationships. And they’re fine… But to have real friends, friends with whom you’ve taken the time…this is something spectacular! The intimacy of error cannot be replaced. It makes us stronger. This melding of corners, sometimes so rough, can be so beautiful. To know someone, really know them, and come together, so close you can barely see the seam —  this is true friendship. And the rewards – living color!

Whatever I decide to paint on this panel, I know the corners will hold. May we all have such a friend. 


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Hand held possibilities.

I don’t know that I was necessarily being so “good,” but that’s how it was interpreted. My grandma used to marvel — “I could just put you down, and that’s where you’d stay until I told you that you could move again — such a good kid!” 

I remember her roll-top desk. She plopped me in the chair. I could just reach the handle. It made a little thwapping sound as I pushed it up and then back down. I thought it was the greatest thing, riding this wave, the greatest thing that is until I caught a glimpse of what was inside. Pens and paper and my favorite, the pencil. I loved pencils from the moment I discovered them. The smell of the lead. The feel between my chubby fingers. The newness. Everything was just waiting to be created. I don’t know how long I held the pencil before she noticed me, rubbing it between my fingers as if to will the genie from the bottle, but she wiped her dish soaked hands against her apron and reached the scrap paper from the top shelf.

Tiny squares of white. Some blank. Some with abandoned grocery lists. I covered them all. Scribbles and drawings and near words. I was in heaven. I could have stayed forever. Was I being good? I was being me. 

It should come as no surprise, whenever visiting a museum or landmark, my go-to souvenir is the pencil. I have a favorite — from the Pierre Soulages museum. The weight. The feel. Perfection. I use it in my sketchbooks. But truth be told, I often just hold it in my hand for a moment. And on those days when the world, the day, decides to plop me in an unfamiliar place, I hold on. I take comfort in all of these hand-held possibilities, and I smile, because I find myself saying, “I’m good.”  


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Sanctuary.

When I went off to college, the first thing that surprised me was the noise. I had always studied in silence. I was alone for the most part. I didn’t turn on the television or stereo. I liked hearing the books I was reading, feeling the words I was writing. So the first few nights in the dorm were alarmingly loud. No one had headphones. Doors seemed to be quite optional. It was overwhelming to say the least. 

I wore a path to the library. And then I found the silent rooms. Doubled glass. No distractions. Glorious. My first sanctuary. It was there I could invent anything, even myself. I surrounded myself in words. Some lay quietly in yellowed pages. Others rearranged themselves and shot through my #2 pencil. It wasn’t the first time I heard my own voice, but it was the first I started to use it. 

I fear that some believe courage is only born out of chaos. That we must rise above all the noise with a clattering of our own. I suppose at times this could be necessary, but maybe the most bold is to listen to your own heart, your own mind. To brave the silence and find yourself.

There is a setting on my iphotos. It is called noise reduction. It takes away all the clutter to get at the real picture. I didn’t have the words for it then, but I have been hitting that button for most of my life. Sometimes I forget. I get caught up in all the clamor — “but he said, and she did, and they are!!!!!” It’s then I have to remove myself. Find my balance. Listen to the quiet. 

I whisper by hand into my sketchbook. And I am found. 


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Between bus and bell.

We knew nothing of love or roses, but that didn’t stop us from singing along with Donny Osmond on the counter of our fifth grade classroom. It was Miss Green who provided us with the 45 and the record player, solidifying that she was indeed not one of the elderly teachers that came before us, but she was one of us, still tethered to the longings of youth…and so she hummed along to Paper Roses. We moved the needle back again and again, allowing our hearts to spin as many times as they could before the first bell brought it all to a stop. 

It always came as a surprise — that morning bell. It seemed as if we had just stepped from the bus into the school, and it was over. Maybe we should have taken it as a warning, this fleeting time…and I didn’t. Not for years. Maybe no one does. But I’m trying to now. Not out of fear or desperation, but gratitude and respect. These gifts that we are given from moment to moment. Spectacular! 

Yesterday on my morning walk — the place where I hover between bus and bell — I saw this pink flower. I took a photo. I got down to really look at it. The pink petals were so lovely. “They look like paper, silk paper,” I thought. It’s funny how something so weightless can lift you. Transport you. I hummed the notes that formed a youthful string, a string that tethers me still. My heart sings as if no lessons have been learned. And I give thanks for the time. 


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In my best Malinda.


My first sleepover was in a hospital in Saint Cloud, Minnesota. I was only six years old. They wouldn’t let my mom stay in the room with me that night. I was terrified. I was armed only with my Golden Book — The Little China Pig, and my first baby baby doll, so brand new she was yet to be named.  The nurse in white cap, white dress, white nylons and shoes entered the room. She wiped the tears of my mom’s goodbye and said, “I’m Malinda, what’s your baby’s name?” Still stunned from the thought of being alone, I repeated the name Malinda. “Just like me!” She beamed. It was as if she placed her smile onto my face, and connected us, brought me to safety. That’s why I remember my first doll’s name, because of kindness.

The scrubs in the French hospital were flowered pink and blue. The language buzzed around me as I lay on the gurney.  It’s not lost on my that my grasp of this language is not a lot more than I had in St. Cloud. And my comfort level was about the same. They wheeled her in next to me, this elderly woman — who was not much bigger than I was then. She was scared, and cried out a little when the man who had just blocked my arm was doing the same to her. In my best Malinda I turned and sent my smile to her. I saw it travel across the sterile room and land on her lips.  She smiled back. And we both were saved.

I don’t know her name, but I remember her face. I look at my braced hand and feel myself smiling, in my best Malinda. 

It takes so little to give each other the “everything is going to be ok.” I, who have been given so much, hope to pass it on to you. Take my “Malinda,” and pass it on.


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Reattaching apples.

I have no memory of the apples growing. Each year, they were just there. The branches seemed to go from bare to weighed in just the blink of an eye. And as quickly as the green apples appeared in my grandparents’ trees, we were tripping over them in the grass, loading sack after brown paper sack to give away. 

Maybe it’s the way of all living. It goes so quickly. We move from grand point to grand point, missing all the little things along the way. The how we got heres. The growths. 

I keep trying to think of her as a young woman — the journey of how Elsie became Grandma Elsie. She wasn’t always in that kitchen. In that yard with an upturned apron full of apples. She once had to have giggled with the girls behind the school. Cursed her parents and dreamed of boys. Imagined a life. A future. 

To know the exact details, I suppose, would be like trying to reattach the apples to the tree. But I think it’s enough to know there was more. There is more. So much more to all of us. There are reasons and seasons of how we got here. And maybe we’ll never know all of it, but I think there is empathy in the attempt. Compassion in trying to imagine the whole picture. None of us are just one thing. Maybe in learning that, we come to see some growth after all.


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This ain’t Texas.

There was a time when our socks were never meant to be seen. It was almost embarrassing if they did. This was also the time when “nerd” was an insult. 

Not now. Now we put our socks and quirks on full display. Wearing our hearts not only on our sleeves, but right around our ankles. Depending on my outfit, you can tell how I vote, what banned books I read, and the music I listen to. All within an ever changing color palette. 

I suppose everything changes. And it doesn’t take away from what was. There is not only one beauty. We have to find our own. Again. And again. Allowing ourselves and each other the room to change and to grow. 

That’s what makes this nerd create sketchbook art from ruffled women, to hatted men. As Beyonce says, “This ain’t Texas, ain’t no hold ‘em…”, so I paint my cowboy, and put on my colorful socks and set out to find the ever evolving beauty of this world. Step by step. Out on the dance floor. 


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Making magic!

My grandma never measured anything. And I thought it was pure magic — she was magic. Because it all turned out. Her kitchen was filled with Bohemian treats — treats that I’m still not sure if the names were real, or if she was just making them up as she went along as well.

The thing is, I never saw the beginning. I wasn’t there when it was just Rueben and Elsie. When the bride from the picture, wearing the necklace I now treasure, burned the dinner, or didn’t add enough flour to the baked goods, when Rueben tried to assure her it was just fine. I wasn’t there when her first born came and she had to strap him to her apron while still trying to perfect the recipe that was never written down. Maybe my mom caught a glimpse, being the second. But it wouldn’t be long and she would be asked to start taking care of the seven that followed. And certainly my mom didn’t know how to be one, she was a kid herself, but I smile thinking of her doing the same, guessing at the recipe for what would make those younger siblings happy, or at least stop crying.

No, I didn’t see any of this. I suppose none of us do, see the work behind the magic. And it’s happening all around us. But I like thinking about it. I find it hopeful. Because for me, it’s maybe even more “magical” to think it was created all along. It’s what drives me to fill the sketchbooks. To arrange the words in a different order daily. Even to bake the croissants. We create our own magic by putting in the time. Making the mistakes. Learning. And trying again.

Today I may find myself covered in life’s flour, but one way or another, it is going to be delicious. Let’s make some magic!


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Heading North.

Heart first.

I know there are strategies to Wordle. Of course certain letters appear more than others. Using the most vowels on the first word is helpful. If you want to take a deep dive, there are websites. Tips. Tricks. Hacks. I love the game, but I don’t play like that.

Yesterday, the first email I received was inquiring about my painting of the North End. I used the word “north” as my second word, and solved the puzzle. It’s fun to get a two, sure, but for me it’s the most fun when I can relate it to what’s happening in my life. Not that I think the New York Times actually bases the game around me. It’s not “about” me — I know this. But I like to be involved. Insert myself in the game. I want to be a part of it all.

All the teachers at Washington Elementary gave us valuable skills. How to read, spell, write, do the math. But it was Miss Green who not only gave us the tools, but showed us how to build something. We could have just written reports. Structured sentences and paragraphs, but she had us taking Spelling Trips. Each week we randomly picked a place on the map and had to write a story about getting there, being there. We had to place ourselves inside the lesson.

I suppose I’m still doing that. Joyfully. What’s the point of learning, of living even, if I’m not involved. Certainly it changes the stakes. I know being involved means I’m also going to risk being hurt. Hearts on sleeves are vulnerable — but oh how they can feel the love!

You can play it however you like — Wordle, this life… that’s the beauty of it, we get to choose. Me, I’m going to throw myself in the mix, heart first — heading North!