In the tenth grade it was Miss “B”, (our English teacher who was also known for being able to discover water with a divining rod), who set out to teach us the craft of speed reading. I loved to read, but it was never my desire to go faster, only deeper. A large percentage of the class welcomed this speed, wanting to get through a book as quickly as possible. To finish homework faster. Rifle through the pages and then bike to the Hardees parking lot for after school gatherings. And maybe some of them also thought of her as the “water witch,” but I was more interested in the “divine” of it all — for water and words. 

And that’s how I picture myself, still. Walking the fields of the paper. Twigs in each hand, searching for the meaning of each word. Getting lost in the magic of it all. The wonder. 

I don’t know if Miss “B” found the water. But I did find the divine. I do. Each time I open a book and crawl inside. Stepping lightly. Not to trample, but to gather in. Sometimes we learn, not the lesson at hand, but what our hearts need to know. If you need me, I’ll be out joyfully wandering. 

It took a long time for me to grow into my mother’s face. The first time someone said it, you look just like your mother, it was as if I found my way home. Amid all the impermanence of driveways and houses. Of streets and cities and doors opening and closing, I had the permanence of knowing where I came from. And with that, the knowledge that I could go anywhere, be anyone. 

And if my mother looked like her father, then how could I not find comfort in my grandfather’s portrait? 

Yesterday, I was showing new friends of the family some of my paintings. This is my grandfather, I said in a new language. In a different country. And still, when they saw him, this man who looked like my mother, who looked like me, I felt they saw a little bit more of my heart. And I was a part of the palette. I was home. 

There is a myth that claims upon returning to their usual spot, (not knowing that the lake had been paved over) a flock of geese, thinking it was water, came crashing into the pavement and died. 

How do we know if nobody tells us? 

I think we have a tendency to do this with a lot of things. We smooth things over. Sugar coat them. Sweep them under rugs. Hide them under bushels. And I’m not certain why. I think, if we go through something, we have a responsibility to help others do the same. And this can only be done with the truth. And while you might think the truth is harsh, it’s actually an offering of a safe place to land.

Isn’t it their own fault? Didn’t they “V” their way right into their own demise. Yes. But haven’t we all been led astray from time to time? I know I have. And I have been greeted by the pavement of “I told you so,” and I have been welcomed by the forgiveness of “come in, you and your heart sit down.” 

Maybe it’s silly, (I guess I am that silly goose). But what if we did that for each other, simply offered a soft place to land? 

You can’t imagine the amount of stories I have heard, just from people who play the ukulele. And it makes me so happy when people see themselves in the smallest of my paintings. They find themselves in a ruffled blouse, or my grandma’s kitchen. Beside a red truck. In a striped shirt of a French bird. Because it’s no longer me on the way to the mall with my mother. It becomes their story. With their American mother. On their way. And we are all connected.

And it occurred to me, if you can hear the music of this little bird, if the violin sings to you, and we find ourselves under the same sky, branch to branch, then certainly we could see each other, human to human. And what if we did… really see each other… imagine how that music would sound. Just for a moment, let’s listen. 

With each new person I paint, the first question is usually “Who is that?” And I can’t blame them for asking. Didn’t I do the same at Jerry’s Jack and Jill grocery store each time my grandma stopped the cart and talked to the person in the aisle. Too old to sit inside, I hung on the front of the cart, and every word exchanged, looking, listening for clues to solve the mystery of who they were. Maybe they would say where they worked, who they were married to, or what they were making for dinner. I could never tell by looking at my grandma. She was nice to everyone. And not that fake kind of nice that I had seen, even experienced on the playground, or that she herself pointed out to me while watching Days of our Lives. She was just genuinely interested. She cared. She was curious. She was indeed the “party” of her party line, whether on the phone or at the grocery store. I could see that it didn’t really matter to her, the details for which I searched. She just wanted to visit. 

I suppose that’s how I paint (minus the grocery cart). I’m just interested in all who appear. It’s a conversation of heart and mind. Grandma Elsie taught me that — that’s who people are — kind and curious and worth the pulling over. 

We all want to be seen. But there comes some responsibility with that. People aren’t mind readers. Plus, they also have a focus on things other than you. And how are they to see who you really are, unless you show them?

Brené Brown calls it “daring greatly.” I like it because it changes our vulnerability from being a weakness to a superpower. (And as evidenced in every purchase of every little black dress, every pose in front of the mirror, I do indeed want to be a superhero.) So I expose my heart with every word, and every stroke. And on many days, just like the reflection in the mirror, I may be one of the rare few that see it. But that’s more than a good start, it’s a victory — me daring greatly to see myself. 

I am that bird. Fragile, sure. Strong as ever, yes! My palette is full. I am saved. And look at that palette, wood worn and weary is exactly what makes it beautiful (to me.) So why would my reflection be any different. If I choose to see myself, celebrate that even, then it takes the pressure off of you. I don’t have to count likes or measure your responses. And maybe then, without all that clutter, I can see you. And what if we all could do that. For each other. I suppose to believe this is also to be daring greatly. But I’m just that bird. I come to the canvas. Hope in hand. 

You can buy them at any of the big box stores, the fake stumps to use as end tables. But I chose to make ours. Well, finish ours…I can’t make a tree. If you were to calculate the hours spent and pay me less than minimum wage, you might say I didn’t “come out ahead.” But I would disagree. I would prove you wrong every time I placed my feet on the sanded cracks. Every time I laid a book on the still breathing wood. It’s the imperfections that I love, that I live beside, and within. A daily reminder to celebrate it in others, in myself.

When I took this photo of my book, I needed a backdrop. Not the perfection of a blank slate. I searched the house for something with character. I had baked bread earlier in the day, and the baking sheet was cooling on the counter. Why not? Didn’t it tell the same story as the stump? I placed it behind the book. Perfectly imperfect. 

I don’t know if it’s obvious, but it is to my heart. It knows, if I come out at all, I come out ahead.  

We never meant it as a compliment, shouting “bird brain” to someone across the playground. I suppose we thought small meant insignificant. Without worth. It was far from the only thing we got wrong.

I have been filling this sketchbook daily now for sixth months. As with anything, that first blank page seemed insurmountable. “Just start…” I would tell myself. Experience has taught me that beginning is always the hardest. Once you’re doing it, you’re doing it, and don’t have time to think of all the what ifs. Almost touching the page, I would pull back. Then forward. Wait. Questioning. “Oh, stop fluttering,” I told myself. And there it was – the answer – right in front of me, where it typically waits. I sketched out the first little bird. Simple. Cute. “Nothing here I can’t rise above,” it seemed to say, so I painted another. And another.

Each day they became more elaborate. People with birds. Birds on books. Almost “Scarlet Letter”-like, I took the problem and made it my art. My creations. My joy.

I remember sitting in the overflow tiny houses behind Jefferson Senior High. Barely insulated from the cold of winter, reading the book for the first time. All that “A” stood for beyond the book. Alexandria, the town I was born, the one I knew I would have to flee to become the Artist that lived in my soul. Had I mentioned it then, aloud, I could have been that “bird brain”…and I have to admit I was afraid of the label. Now I wear it proudly. Now I wear it proudly. I am that bird brain. Fluttering to create with all the fear and joy that still holds. Daily.

The thing is, I, we, get to decide. I pick up my pencil, And I rise.