We went to market yesterday. We bought a few plants and flowers. Bouquet in hand, wearing my mother’s top, they both felt, not like trophies, but certainly signs of my good fortune, as I stepped lightly through the streets of Aix en Provence.
It’s because of her that I held the belief for so long. It wasn’t until last year that I learned (I don’t want to say truth) the alternative meaning to “this little piggy went to market.” From the time she pinched each of my toes with the verse, throughout our days of wandering all of the Dales, it had been about shopping. Never the horrors of the butcher.
Not to say we didn’t live in the truth. Oh, the truth was very apparent and ever near. But it was more of a decision, I suppose, of choosing how to see the day. How to see this life. Choosing my market.
It’s more of a joke really, but not untrue. I make the bread so “we’ll feel safe.” There is comfort in the scent that wafts through the house. And I can feel it, like a cartoon hug that wraps around my shoulders. Not to mention the healing power of the toasted breakfast.
My grandma wasn’t a painter, but she did make quilts. And it’s not lost on me, having them here still, I can feel, not just the warmth they provide, but the hug that wraps my wanting shoulders – shoulders that are the conduit for the heart, and I am saved.
I didn’t think about it then, mostly because I was given the gift of not having to, but wasn’t she doing the same thing? When she made the quilts, kept the Lazy Susan stacked with candy, bought the individual cereal packs — it was more than just fun, it was our safety net, our assurance that we could count on her. It was the steady of her Thom McCann’s beneath her aproned belly. And we weren’t just safe, we were saved.
Bread is rather sacred here in France. Just as the quilt would be to a Minnesota winter, I suppose. At the breakfast table, I wrap myself in it, this small taste of blessed assurance, with just a hint of blueberry.
Yesterday he asked me if I enjoyed it more while painting or when the painting was finished. It was a good question. The first time I had been asked. I explained that at the start, it can be difficult, clunky even. This is the process of just getting some paint down. But if you keep at it, I said, one day, “C’est vivant!” — it’s alive! And with that life, things move very quickly. I suppose it’s like reading a really good book, I continued, so eager to get to the finish, but never wanting it to end.
I recall Sunday afternoons of youth’s winter in Minnesota. In the darkness of 4pm, time crawled. We perched beside the stereo console and listened to the same record again and again, amid her promise that one day things would be so good, time would seem like it was flying. I smiled under the wing of promise.
I’d like to think I thanked her for those clunky times. For the process. But I’m not sure that I did. I do now, covered in paint and beginning another canvas. Not waiting for the joy of completion, but relishing the paint on my hands and joy’s wind speeding through my hair. It IS alive! And so am I!
There was a time when “hold still” meant something unpleasant was going to happen. A shot from the doctor. A peering dentist. The brushing of tangled hair. Even the application of unwanted socks.
I can’t say the moment it changed. It could have been gradual. But as with most things that turn with time, it felt sudden. And without my knowledge or permission, I often begin sentences with “Wasn’t I just…”
And as I struggle to hold still the squirming memories of loves passed, I have to laugh and acknowledge, that I was never one to do it. And in the recognition, I think, maybe we are never meant to stop any of it, but simply keep dancing through. All of it. Partnering with the comfort and the uncomfortable — the warmth of sitting in mother’s lap as she wrestles through the nest of your hair.
Time continues to change meaning and tempo, but love remains, not still, but strong. So I keep dancing…
I hadn’t noticed it until the other day. I brought the painting of Charly inside from the studio. I set her beside another painting. It wasn’t until the next day I thought, “Oh, Charly is with Chuck.” And then I realized that Charles was just below them downstairs. These three sharing a name couldn’t be more different — not similar in age, gender, nor hobby, yet they were all connected. (A rose by any other Chuck…)
I was on a painstakingly long phone call with the bank. We went through my account number, my social security number, my PIN number, the code sent to a separate phone, and then finally she asked me, “What’s your mother’s maiden name?” Deep in the annoyance of trying to prove my identity, there I was, still connected to all that I loved the most. My grandparents. My mother. I laughed, and spelled it, nobody ever understands the silent H of Hvezda.
I don’t know if Charly, Chuck and Charles will ever meet. But I’d like to think they know. I’d like to believe they feel something bigger than themselves. A connection with a silent C, but connected just the same. Perhaps we all are… roses.
At 7:25, I knew she would already be at her desk. Skirt smoothed. Lipstick on. Purse neatly tucked. And I awaited the call. I started each day with my mother.
We went through the usual checklist. What we were wearing. If we slept. Shoes. How we felt. Accessories. Unseen compliments and laughter. There was certainty at 7:25. There was love.
Through her working years, I knew 11:30 was lunch. 4:30, home. I didn’t watch the clock, but sometimes the second hand would wrap itself around my shoulder, because I knew where she was.
Traveling to New York or California, I stayed in the knowledge of her time zone. 7:30 no longer meant the desk, but she was up, “putting on her face.” When I moved to France, her 7:30 awakening became more like 8:00, which was 3pm for me. At 4:00 I would call. The check list varied, but the love never did.
Someone else has her phone number now. But I will always know what time it is in Minnesota.
Long before I could read them, I carried them. I knew the words of the books, my mother having read them to me night after night. Not being able to read yet myself, I was under the assumption, (or I was probably just of the age to hope) that if I kept the words nearby, cradled in hand and tucked against hip, that they would stay with me. They did. Now, I can’t say for sure that it was because I held them close, pressed them dear…but I can’t say that it wasn’t.
I have done the same with love. Kept a library in my heart.
I walked a new path yesterday. My feet plodded up the unexplored hill. My head peaking above as I neared the top. A school. A soccer field. And then, not the promised land, but a box filled with promise, a community library. And the biggest surprise, two books in English. The collected works of Mark Twain was as thick as my open hand. I clutched it to my heart and put the paperback in my back pocket. The proportion of books to body was nearly the same as when I carried them in youth’s palm. My steps, as light as they were then. Carried in the word.
I had been right. It stays with me. Coddled close, this love for word and promise. Did I walk home a little faster? Probably. Did I smile the whole way? Indeed.
I’ve always loved paper. Even before the freedoms of learning to ride a bicycle and then a car, there was something so liberating about the writing of words. The clarity of question, thought, and answer, right there at the end of a #2. We all knew it. I suppose that’s why we passed the notes in class. All feelings could be declared or denied, with the simple checking of a box. Do you like him? Check yes or no. Where are you going after school? Check practice or Hardees.
Maybe it’s why I continue to write — a simple checking of yes to the day. It’s still so powerful and clear. A way to remember. A way to forget. A letting in and a letting go. Simply with words.
My #2 is often replaced electronically. But it will never replace the feeling of holding it in my hands. The questions. The hopes. Dreams. The story.
When I tell you mine, and then you share yours, it is the pedaling of banana seat bikes and wind in our hair. It is the release of laughter ridden into. It is an open car window on a summer’s road, releasing music from an AM radio – KDWB 63. It is the exclamation point of a giant X that goes beyond the edges of the yes box.
Humans were made to connect. I ask myself daily — Can we do this? Can we do this together? Can we feel the freedoms of connection? I know my answer. Are you checking yes or no?
I washed the windows in the studio recently, reminding myself that in order to paint the light, you really need to be in it.
People will always be quick to tell you what to do. Even knee deep in the mud, they will advise you on your path. While all the scattering of their “should-haves” and “supposed-tos” merely block the way. And doubt, not one to miss a dim light, will often seize the opportunity and join in the chatter. And so I turn…
I can’t say I love to wash windows. It is work. And the efforts are never rewarded with longevity. You know it going in, this won’t be the last time. But when it hits you, wraps itself around you, nearly lifting with clarity and grace, as sure as a mother’s embrace, my heart says (with no apology for the pun), “aaaaah, I see….”
My brain has never been the kind to live by the calendar. Perhaps it was because of the kitchen table in my grandparents’ house in Minnesota. Around it, the dates remembered were of snowstorms and the dearly departed. Behind coffee cup and pipe, as they began to recall, I shook the numbers from my head, and ran into the open space and possibility of the front yard.
And it’s not about denial. I remember every feeling of nearly every day. There are some though, with just a number, that won’t let you look away. Like today. And we shouldn’t forget. The horror. The courage. The fear. The coming together. The after. What did we do in the after? What are we doing today?
That’s the thing. After the storm, they still gathered together at the kitchen table, as one.
Today is Pascal’s birthday, my brother (in law and love). With the heaviness of this date still ringing in my head, this is the gift of hope, the gift of a swinging screen door and an open yard. A reminder that even in the most unlikeliness of time and place, we can find the good.
