Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…

Tag Archives: hands


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Flour and paint.

Yesterday I made both bread and cookies, so it’s not surprising that my daily sketch had her hands in the dough.  My floured fingers were reminding my heart that it could always be a good day. 

I guess that’s how I gauge them. For me they are good days, successful, as long as I do just that — “have my hands in the dough.” If I am in the attempt, covered in paint, or flour, or sweat, trying to make something, learn something, become something, then I’m ok. 

And it’s usually the heart that gets most of the credit, and often well deserved. Follow your heart they say. Let your heart lead you. That’s always good advice. But I don’t want to forget the hands. The work. Sometimes the heart needs a little rest from all the heavy lifting. And sometimes, it’s the hands they say I’ve got this. I’ve got you, palms up. 

I heard something recently. It was more about the tools you have in the garage, but it seems applicable — “Use what you have to get what you want.” And what I had yesterday, I had my hands. And the day was passed with effort and joy — exactly what I wanted. 

And the beauty is, it’s nothing I have to wish for, I just have to do it. Every day. Put my “hands in the dough.”

Hands in the dough.
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In the flour.

I had time to think about it while I painted the individual seeds on top of the loaves of bread. The chalk board behind her in the boulangerie displayed the menu and the prices. It didn’t feel in the spirit of the painting. But what would I put on it? Leaving it blank didn’t seem right either. So I kept painting. Seed by seed. Trusting the answer would come. I was many loaves in, but by the third shelf, I knew.

It’s always the case, but it’s a lesson I have to keep learning. I, we, are in such a hurry to get to the answer. Wanting to bypass the process. The work. But that’s not how life happens. The only way out is through. So I take it seed by seed. Thought by thought. Step by step. Feeling by feeling. Trusting that I will get there. Aaaah, trust, that ‘ol show stopper — it can be a tough one, but every day I’m letting it in, just a little more.

I decided on the words from the old French song, “Les Mains d’une femme dans la farine” The chorus, in translation, sings that nothing is more beautiful than a woman’s hands in the flour. It is perfect, not only because it celebrates the work, but it also connects to our French cousins who co-own the bakery. I’m probably no more or nor less related to any of them, this lovely woman, or the husband of Dominique’s second cousin whom she works with, but I feel connected to all of them. And who’s to say we’re not related? Once our hands are all elbow deep in the flour, in the joyful work of this living, we all become the same.

We do the work. We trust the letting in. We are family.

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Dishwater warm.

It seems I always needed a little extra assurance, and she was more than willing to give it to me. I was still at the picking up and putting down phase. Old enough to walk, or at least waddle, but the need to have my grandma near was stronger than any urge to wander off, so when she placed me somewhere near her kitchen chores I stayed. I held her gaze as if with ropes. “I’m not going to leave you,” she said. I smiled. And I believed her. I’m not going to say that I didn’t test it from time to time — the speed at which she could apron wipe her hands and grab the sharp object from my grasp. I think we both knew I was too much of a rule follower to do anything drastic, but it was always worth the feeling of her dishwater warm hands around me. 

I sat in the doctor’s office yesterday, hovering somewhere between translation and nerves. Oh, it was to be the smallest of procedures. Nothing really, but yet, I needed a little of that sweet assurance. The French words jumped from his mouth to the tablet and my eyes darted around his desk, landing on nothing short of two warm hands around me. It was a small sack, probably filled with samples from the pharmacie, most certainly labeled by angels, “Elsie sante.” In the decade plus that I’ve been here, I’ve never seen this brand before. But it wasn’t really a surprise. Hadn’t she promised?  I’m smiling. She hasn’t left yet. 


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The shape of a nail. 

Traveling these last couple of months, I guess my hands have been on vacation too. No painting. No building of frames. No baking or lawn mowing. So I decided to give them some extra care. I suppose it was my friend who got it all started by greeting me with the tradition of glove gifting, accompanied by some rose hand lotion, (French of course). They smelled so good, I decided to let my nails grow. I bought the polish and varnish. Took the time to file and cream daily. I even bought the handmade cuticle oil en route in Omaha. 

I hadn’t told her about it, but of course she noticed, this glove-gifting friend. The friend who started giving me the gloves each year because that’s what my mother gave to her yearly for Christmas. She said, “You have your mother’s hands.” To be seen, to be known, from acts of kindness down to the shape of a nail — What a gift to be given!

Years ago I painted my grandmother’s hands and gave them to my mother. She passed on that love to me. To my friends, her friends. Hand by hand we can touch each other. Heart by heart, we hold each other, ever.

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Woulds and weeds.

It’s amazing the power they have, these weeds. Even the ones in the garden.

Whether you call it imagination or worry, or awfulizing even, I can conjure up a lot of situations long before they have a chance to even occur. Most, thankfully, don’t occur at all. 

I was at my grandma’s house, stooped over on the front cement steps. Waiting and worrying about my cousins arriving. Alone and surrounded by woulds. Would they still like me? Would they remember me from last summer? My grandma saw me, face curled, resting on clenched fists. “Why are you sitting here in the weeds?” she asked me. I looked around the cement. I didn’t understand. “I know that little brain of yours. Popping out all that worry, faster than a garden of weeds. Look out there. Are the birds worried? Do the cows have their heads in hooves?” Heads in hooves — I laughed. She waved her hand and scooted me off of the stairs. The woulds and weeds dropped from my chubby legs as I raced under the summer sun.

I was pulling the weeds surrounding our front entry. I tried to match them pluck for pluck. One from the garden. One from my brain. It made me laugh. Both put up a bit of a fight, but getting my head out of my hooves, it made it a lot easier.

I think a lot about the things my grandma did and said. When they were uniquely hers, we called it “pulling an Elsie.” Her letting go of the weeds was and is the main Elsie I’d like to pull. I keep the drawing of her hands behind me and try to live in the words, “If she did worry, it never showed in her hands. She held. She gave. She touched.” 

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Held in mine.

In the “wee, small hours” of the night, when thoughts can get so big, I have a practice to calm them down. She has been gone for so many years, my grandma, but she continues to walk me through those uncertain hours. And it could be for anything really, tiny chaotic thoughts, or grand concerns — she’s there, unworried (as she always seemed), as I recite the poem of her life. It’s a long poem, as is her legacy, but it usually only takes the first line or two, and I am saved… 

“She was a beauty like he’d never seen,

Elsie turned his head with a smile,

When Rueben looked back

He knew for sure

That she’d be in his heart for a while.”

These words are the hands that held my mother’s, and my mother’s hands that held mine.

I have a weird little pinky finger. I will need a small procedure to fix it. The condition is apparently genetic. He asked if I remembered my mother’s hands. My heart’s response, of course, was to say I’m still holding it, and my grandma’s too… but certainly I remembered no imperfections. How could I? Their beauty will forever be unmatched.

Maybe it’s all the imperfections that make us beautiful. Or how we use them. I only know this for sure — they held, they gave, they touched. Beauties, that I’ll ever see…

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Washed clean.

I walked through the garage and into our front yard. The grass was damp. I could see that Cathy was in the empty lot before Dynda’s house. It had just rained, this being spring. I didn’t walk on the road because I didn’t want to get my shoes dirty. I chose wet instead. I crossed through the line of trees that separated the lots. The leaves dampened my shirt. She sat there, near a big puddle. Her hands were covered in mud up to her elbows. It was hard for me to breathe. “Let’s make mud pies,” she said. I liked neither mud, nor pie, but I did like Cathy, so I walked a little closer. She passed to me a clump of wet soil, as if it were a gift. I held on for as long as I could, mere seconds. “My mom is calling,” I lied. She looked confused as I dropped the muck. I ran with arms extended. “Maaaaaaaaaaaaam!  Mom!” I yelled as I got closer. She ran out the door with the urgency I required. “What????” she asked. Not seeing my most obvious emergency. I thrust my hands in her direction. I shook them towards her. How could she not see?  Look! My hands. She smiled in acknowledgement. She knew I didn’t like my hands dirty. “Please…” my outthrust hands pleaded. She grabbed the hose, and I was saved.

I don’t know why it terrified me so – to have dirty hands. But it did. My mother never made fun of me. Never questioned why. Never told me how to feel. She just helped me wash them. And later, we had a good laugh. 

Through the years, there would be countless times that I, or she, would find ourselves in a mess. Sometimes created. Sometimes thrust upon us. But I never felt judged. We simply helped each other cry — washed ourselves clean. Helped each other grow. Helped each other laugh. And we were saved. 

I hope you have this. This person beside you. Who will reach out to your dirtiest of hands. Who will help you cry. Help you laugh. Just be there. Be there for you as you battle through love and fear. Battle through the letting in and the letting go. Be there when you call their name, with outstretched hands. And even more than this, I hope you ARE this person. (Just as I hope that I am.) 

Be there, as we all try to come clean.

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No measuring cups.


It wasn’t often that I saw my Grandma Elsie without an apron covered in flour, that I saw the kitchen sink empty, her cupboards clear… You entered her house through the always unlocked door, directly through her kitchen. First impressions. It was always full. She was permanently baking and cooking, but rarely cleaning. This is not an insult. I have always admired her ability to let things roll. She didn’t seem overly concerned about the little things. She made it all look so easy. We asked her once about leaving the door unlocked, wasn’t she worried that someone could just walk in, in the middle of the night. “Well, maybe they’ll clean something…” was her response.


They say she never measured anything while cooking. I’m not certain it’s true, but it would be within her character. I started baking when I moved to France. I have no American measuring cups, and only a single French one. There is a lot of guessing. Not to mention the translating of recipes. The swapping out of ingredients (Chocolate bars are in the “exotic” aisle of the grocery store.) I’m not sure why I started. I don’t remember the first thing I baked. I’m going to guess cookies. I suppose for the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid to do it. There was no one who would judge me, or make fun of me. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. For the first time in my life I was secure that my love would not be measured by kitchen triumphs or failures. I was simply loved. It’s amazing what that confidence can do for you.


I think of my Grandma now as I bake for Christmas. I think of how she must have felt loved. So loved that she could dance in her kitchen, covered in flour, with the sink full of dishes. And I am so happy that she had that. That confidence. That love.


Now with all those children, all those years, all that living, of course she must have had her share of heartache. Of concern. I suppose, even worry. But she showed none of it. Not with her hands. With those hands, covered in flour, covered in dust, she held. She gave. She touched.


Love is never measured.

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If she did worry, it never showed in her hands. She held. She gave. She touched.

It can’t be too personal. That’s what they taught me about writing at the University. The reader doesn’t want to know that anyone could have written it. They wanted to know that you wrote it. You knew it. You felt it. And you shared it with them. And so I did. 


When I paint. When I write, it is never generic. It is specific. It is personal. When I write about a house, it is a big, yellow, house, with a yellow so inviting, that if you were to walk by, just being you, it would call to you, “come in, you and your heart sit down.” When I write about my mother, people say, “Oh, that’s my mother.” “That’s my sister.” “That’s so me.” When I write about my heart, being overwhelmed or overjoyed, people say, “How did you know exactly what I was feeling?” And the power of these words show me, every day, I am not alone. We are not alone.


I made a painting of my grandmother’s hands. It has been purchased from Chicago to San Francisco. And I know that a piece of my grandmother gets to go there. She gets to pass over Wrigley Field, through the Magnificent Mile, into the loving arms of Illinois. She crosses the largest bridge a girl from Minnesota could ever imagine. And she shows them her hands. These strong and beautiful hands. These hands that could raise nine children, could also build bridges and stadiums, and we were not that different. We were a part of it all. She was. I am.

Each painting holds a story. Each picture, each phrase, is me, with my nose pressed up against the window pane, on Van Dyke Road, nearly wearing the window through with wishes and plans and dreams. Connecting us all, they would take me farther than I even dared to dream.


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Messy.

I was baking cookies yesterday and my husband told me of the line in the french poem, “Rien n’est plus beau que les mains d’une femme dans la farine” (Nothing is more beautiful than the hands of a woman in the flour).

I think this is where we see the love, in the efforts made. Nothing is more precious than the gift that comes from the heart-led hand. The painting. The handwritten note. The bread coming out of the oven. The melody strummed on the guitar. We don’t all have the same talents, but we can all offer a bit of our time, a bit of ourselves.

And it’s not just about the givers. We also have to be able to receive. When we allow people to offer their gifts, we are in fact giving them a gift too.

Today, let’s get messy, messy in the exchange of kindess. These gifts covered in love’s white flour — “Rien n’est plus beau.”