Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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The romance of the keys.

We learned to type on electric typewriters at Jefferson Senior High. You could hear the click of the keys from down the hall. It was located on the other side of the school building from the band and choir rooms, but there was a music to it, all the same. 

I certainly don’t miss the “white out,” or replacing the ribbon. But there was an art to it. Even when we were all typing the same thing — “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” — we would make our own mistakes, different letters would be painted over, then typed over again and each sheet was an original, with it’s own look, it’s own sound. 

I type now on my iPad. It can go with me anywhere. I can correct mistakes in an instant. There is an ease, a freedom, unmatched. But I must admit, there is a tiny part of me that longs for the music. The romance of the keys.

I want to allow for this in my daily life. I want to see the romance in all of my mistakes — and oh, I am making them for sure — daily tangled in my not so quick brown foxes. I, we, need to see the beauty of the learning. 

Today’s blank sheet opens with the sun. I set off, not in search of perfection, but poetry. Click, click, click, begins my imperfect heart. 


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Making magic!

My grandma never measured anything. And I thought it was pure magic — she was magic. Because it all turned out. Her kitchen was filled with Bohemian treats — treats that I’m still not sure if the names were real, or if she was just making them up as she went along as well.

The thing is, I never saw the beginning. I wasn’t there when it was just Rueben and Elsie. When the bride from the picture, wearing the necklace I now treasure, burned the dinner, or didn’t add enough flour to the baked goods, when Rueben tried to assure her it was just fine. I wasn’t there when her first born came and she had to strap him to her apron while still trying to perfect the recipe that was never written down. Maybe my mom caught a glimpse, being the second. But it wouldn’t be long and she would be asked to start taking care of the seven that followed. And certainly my mom didn’t know how to be one, she was a kid herself, but I smile thinking of her doing the same, guessing at the recipe for what would make those younger siblings happy, or at least stop crying.

No, I didn’t see any of this. I suppose none of us do, see the work behind the magic. And it’s happening all around us. But I like thinking about it. I find it hopeful. Because for me, it’s maybe even more “magical” to think it was created all along. It’s what drives me to fill the sketchbooks. To arrange the words in a different order daily. Even to bake the croissants. We create our own magic by putting in the time. Making the mistakes. Learning. And trying again.

Today I may find myself covered in life’s flour, but one way or another, it is going to be delicious. Let’s make some magic!


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Heart-flakes.

It’s not that I don’t make resolutions, it’s just that mine are more of the day to day kind. Perhaps even moment by moment. I don’t know why I thought of it this morning. Maybe it was the crowd of Valentine’s Day hearts hanging in the hotel breakfast room that shouted January is almost over!

It goes so quickly. And I don’t want to waste any of it. So I looked it up this morning. This “resolution.” I had to scroll down a little, but I found my answer. By definition, in scientific terms, resolution means the smallest interval measurable. I smiled, because I guess that’s how my heart runs, my brain operates, in these smallest of intervals.

If the coffee is good and strong, and the hotel has peanut butter for my toast, breakfast is good. When the words come for my blog. When you respond. I feel connected. I fill my sketchbook slowly, page by page. The story, my life, unfolds.

I remember making those paper hearts in school. Folding the paper in half. Cutting out the heart shape. Then, still folded, making all the tiny cuts. Even then I remember thinking we had just done the same thing for snowflakes. In a blink the teacher took them from the wall, we changed the paper and made the same little cuts into heart-flakes. We didn’t think about the whole school year. We just made the tiny adjustments. The tiny cuts. And moved through each day.

I guess I’m still doing that. Making the tiny cuts and unfolding the day. Determined, resolute even, to measure the moments heart by heart.


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Being Magnolia.

I am old enough to remember when Waco meant something horrific. Now, among other things, it’s an hour wait for cupcakes. The turnaround is something to see!

Full disclosure, I loved the show Fixer Upper. So, walking into their new “old” hotel, I feel a part of it. “Oh, I remember when we picked out the green leather for the banquettes…and the black and white photos, oh, and those books…” This is what I’m thinking, probably what most of the people inside are thinking. And the truth is, all the decisions were made long before we saw it on tv…long before we got involved…if I can even use the word involved. But I suppose that’s the brilliance of what they do. They make you feel like you are a part of it.

And I guess that’s what we all want — to be connected. It’s why we take the photos. Stand in front of the Magnolia sign. We want to be a part of it. To step inside a true success story. And to know the history, well, that just makes it even more special.

I hope that’s what is being contemplated as they line around the corner, waiting for their sugary treats. I hope they are thinking, “maybe this thing I’m stuck in, I could turn it around,“ “maybe this thing that I’ve survived, I could share,” “maybe this thing that I’m really good at, I could teach…”

The Magnolia tree is an ornamental, but remarkably flexible, and ever green. I like that. I want to be like that. I hope we all can. Be flexible, as we wander through each other’s stories. Patient. Caring. Changing. Admiring. And if we could do that for the stories of others, maybe we could even do that for ourselves. See the beauty of it all! Wouldn’t that be something!


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Uff-da, y’all.



Two of my mom’s sisters ended up in Texas. Being a child in Minnesota, that seemed about as foreign as it could get. (Little did I know…) When my Aunt Sandy returned on her first visit, she already sounded different. I didn’t have the word for it then, but she definitely had a drawl. How strange, I thought. But I wasn’t that worried, until years later when my mom and I took my grandma down to Texas for a visit. Tired from the drive, I didn’t really notice when we arrived, but the next morning, there she was, my full-on Texas aunt, asking my grandma — the one that her northern children only called “mother” — “Mama, do y’all want to go for biscuits and gravy?” Wait! Mama? Y’all? Biscuits and gravy? What was happening???? Perhaps there was a slight emphasis on the word mother when they returned and my mom asked her, “Did you like the biscuits and gravy, Mother?” I was already smiling when she answered, “Uff-da, y’all…”

I can see now how it happens. Living in France. They say I have an accent. There, of course, and even when I return. We all want to belong. Be a part of something. And we gather ourselves in, word by word, bit by bit, to make ourselves whole, to find a place at the table.

Visiting the Starbuck’s in San Antonio yesterday, they were all out of the butter croissants, so I said “I’ll take the pain au chocolat.” She looked at me so strangely… Uff-da, y’all, I thought. “I mean the chocolate croissant,” I smiled. I am a part of it all.


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Yes!

When I was a young girl, someone gave me a tiny spoon. I think it represented a state they had visited. Maybe a park. And with that one spoon it was decided, not by me, that I collected them. After a few birthdays, without my knowledge or permission, I indeed had many tiny spoons. Then came a rack. Sone had a wide enough handle to hang on the rack, but most required that I snip apart a paper clip and superglue it to the back. Now I was putting effort into a collection I neither started nor wanted.

One of the first greeting cards I ever made was an image of a woman that read, “I meant no, but it came out yes.” It always got a good laugh. But certainly there was truth behind it. It has taken years, decades…I think I’m better at it, but it takes an effort. It shouldn’t take convincing that you are worth it. Worth your time. Worth your decisions. Worthy of saying yes to what YOU want. I have found that it’s a practice. (Maybe all of living is.) When you can say no to the little things, like if you want dessert or not, if you actually have the time to babysit, if you like the color red…If you can say no to all those little tiny spoons, then you can graduate to the big ones and maybe say yes! If you can say yes to the big decisions…the big choices… then you can actually live a life,maybe not exactly how pictured (who gets that?), but a life close to all the yesses of your heart.

Walking through an antique store yesterday, I saw them — a cup full of tiny spoons. No thanks, I said, and bought the frame that will hold the painting I will choose, I will make, and I will love. My heart smiled — it came out yes!


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Letting it in.

It’s not that I have to, it’s that I get to… Don’t get me wrong, I often have to remind myself of that very thing, but it’s always true.

It was a springtime funeral. I remember it because I was wearing my birthday dress in the back of the Chevy Impala. I know it was the first grade because Gerald Reed complimented me on that dress. (It’s funny, but I recall my childhood more in grades than in years. Perhaps that’s the power of learning.) It must have been a distant family member or friend because we stopped to pick up my grandparents. I scooted over on the maroon interior to make room for my grandpa. Springtime was the busiest for him. All the preparing. It set the stage for the entire year. Keeping the farm was based on the work put in each spring. My mother, knowing this, said as he slid in the back, “It’s nice to have you here, but you didn’t have to come…” “I don’t have to,” he said, “I get to.” He patted my knee. I don’t remember the funeral. But I remember this.

We will be asked to do the most impossible things. To bear the unbearable. To live the unlivable. Love guarantees this. But all that we get from it — for me — makes it worth every second. We get to love each other. Be there for each other.

Do the words come easier some days than others? Sure. Does the love come easier at times? Of course. But I get to do this. We get to do this. Feel this. Live this. And I will choose my life, scoot over to let it all in, every day.


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The paddling.

I wasn’t even sure they were real, these pelicans racing across the lake. They looked like little boats, moving so quickly. So still and beautiful on top, but the paddling that had to have been going on beneath — it must have been extraordinary.  

My mother was the face of ISD #206. And even in her hardest days, she gave them a good one. Not one teacher or administrator entered that building without her smile or direction. By 7:30am each day, after sleepless nights, she was lipsticked, coiffed, dressed – impeccably. And she wasn’t faking it — she loved her job. Her people. But for a select few, they never saw the paddling. 

I suppose we miss it with most people. We never really know what they are going through. Struggling through. What waters they are holding their heads above. And I’m not sure we need to know everything. See everything. But we could be kind. Can be kind. Empathetic. And it goes for everything. Sometimes we see successful people and think, oh, it’s so easy for them, not seeing the hours of practice, effort, sweat. 

So today, at the grocery store, the coffee shop, the office, or bank, wherever you go for your daily swim, maybe we all could just be a little more aware of the paddling. 


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In the hollows.

There is a hollow space beneath my left set of ribs. After they removed my body cast, I noticed it. I guess six weeks of the plaster wore it down.

Today I swim. Walk. Run. Exercise. All the things. The space remains. I don’t know why I saw it yesterday. In the mirror. Showering after my workout. I almost never think about it. I rarely even see it.

Maybe the universe thought I needed a little sign. A reminder, not of the pain, but of the living. I’m certain while I was in it, I thought it to be endless. Probably felt trapped. But I have no feeling of that now. Only a small hollow space that serves me well. A space, that if it had been immediately filled, I wouldn’t have it as the proof of strength, survival, of life itself.

Maybe that’s where we keep our most precious gifts, in those spaces. The tiny hollows left by life lessons, wayward paths, even love.

I miss my mother. But forever I keep a space open, just for her. Where memories have room to giggle and weep. To hug and wonder. To roam. And forever love.

I look in the mirror. I smile. Not weighed or worried by the hollows. I carry them with me, as light as joy.


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Heading North.

Heart first.

I know there are strategies to Wordle. Of course certain letters appear more than others. Using the most vowels on the first word is helpful. If you want to take a deep dive, there are websites. Tips. Tricks. Hacks. I love the game, but I don’t play like that.

Yesterday, the first email I received was inquiring about my painting of the North End. I used the word “north” as my second word, and solved the puzzle. It’s fun to get a two, sure, but for me it’s the most fun when I can relate it to what’s happening in my life. Not that I think the New York Times actually bases the game around me. It’s not “about” me — I know this. But I like to be involved. Insert myself in the game. I want to be a part of it all.

All the teachers at Washington Elementary gave us valuable skills. How to read, spell, write, do the math. But it was Miss Green who not only gave us the tools, but showed us how to build something. We could have just written reports. Structured sentences and paragraphs, but she had us taking Spelling Trips. Each week we randomly picked a place on the map and had to write a story about getting there, being there. We had to place ourselves inside the lesson.

I suppose I’m still doing that. Joyfully. What’s the point of learning, of living even, if I’m not involved. Certainly it changes the stakes. I know being involved means I’m also going to risk being hurt. Hearts on sleeves are vulnerable — but oh how they can feel the love!

You can play it however you like — Wordle, this life… that’s the beauty of it, we get to choose. Me, I’m going to throw myself in the mix, heart first — heading North!