Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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Inhaling.

I was listening to a short story while walking yesterday. Somewhere between the farmhouse, the stranger, the shooting, the sheriff, the horses, the chase, the lost love, the death, the title revealed, my feet had climbed the Montaiguet without ever telling my breath. And it really came as no surprise, stories have always carried me. 

I began to learn the power of words at age five. Mrs. Strand read to us in kindergarten. I loved her for it, but I had a sense of urgency to get to the first grade where I knew we would learn to read for ourselves. I’d like to think I took my time. I’d like to think I thanked Mrs. Strand, but I can’t be sure. It was her words that launched me into the front row of Mrs. Bergstrom’s first grade class. I wanted to sit as close to her as possible. If the words she wrote on the blackboard were to travel into her pointing stick as she tapped the word on the board, and be flung into the open and wandering minds of all the wriggling 6 year olds, I wanted those words, that power, to hit me first — so even in this front row middle seat, I leaned ever forward, closer still. And I must have been breathing because I’m still here, but it felt like a year, a glorious year of inhaling. 

I joyfully rode that air. Every word she gave to us, I gave to my mother in poems. When the wind was knocked out from inside of her. I, we, replaced it with the hope of each letter. Arranged them again, and again, until we were lifted. Until without our knowledge or permission, we were looking out gratitude’s vast view, and we were saved.

I don’t know if it works for everyone. But I take the chance that maybe it does. I keep writing the words daily. Bringing you inside farmhouse and classroom, on top of bicycles and mountains, on the chance that you too will forget the labor of breath, and only feel the heights reached from all that inhale. 

Look around. We’ve come this far!


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No ladders.

I told him I needed a ladder. No, my grandfather replied. “But I have to get it back into the tree,” I said without crying, but just barely. Not about to change his response, but curiosity getting the best of him, he asked what. “The nest,” I said. He just smiled and again shook his head no. “A bird’s nest,” I reiterated, as if he just didn’t understand and surely with the added description he would go get the ladder and help me. But he didn’t. “The babies…” I pleaded, having never actually seen them, only heard them from below. “They’re fine. They’re already gone,” he explained. “How did they know? Were they ready?” I asked, still assuming we were all afforded that luxury. “You find a way,” he said, both of us knowing we were no longer talking about the birds. Both of us knowing that it was my house, my nest, that I missed. It was a ladder back to when my father lived with us. When everything seemed certain. A ladder back to the nest of trust and security. There was no ladder. We both knew I would have to find a way. He put his finger on the sore part of my heart, “They will be ok,” he said without crying, but just barely. And I knew, with the certainty of tree and the absence of ladder, that I would be too. 

I can’t say that through the years I have not asked for the ladder. Thinking, just get me over this. But I eventually get there. Never over. Always through. And my heart moves from sore, to soar. And I am saved.


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Without uniform.

Maybe it’s easier to see when we’re younger. Or maybe they do the work for us. Giving us uniforms. Gathering us together on buses and in classrooms. Cross-legged on floors in circles, whispering and giggling. They give us mascots and rally songs. And we are a part of something. 

And then they send us off into the world. Hoping it was enough. Hoping they gave us the skills to recognize those around us. To connect without uniform. 

And you know it when you do. As certain as if the rally song was playing behind you. Those friends, old and new, that know you as you become and become. As you change and grow. Those that walk beside you. In moments of pure joy. In the tenderness of sorrow. Through the uncertainties of success and loss. Always. All ways. Beside. Without hesitation, they join in the laughter, they answer each doubt, each question the same, “…because we’re friends.”

It was enough. It is enough. I see you. 

…because we’re friends.


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The journey.

We were never big on souvenirs. I’m still not. It was and always will be about the experience. 

Whenever we’d visit a new place in Chicago, or New York or somewhere in between, my mom would say, “I can’t wait to read about this later.”  What she meant was the excitement of having been somewhere, knowing the place, and having it mentioned unexpectedly in the next book, feeling the connection…being able to nod one’s head and heart in full agreement of “I’ve been there.” 

And isn’t it the same with living? We look to those who have survived what we’re going through. As a comfort, a connection. Or for that boost of encouragement, a proof of what can be done.  We are the stories. The words on a page. Meant to be shared. We are the souvenirs. The precious gifts to remember. To pass along.

The morning sun turns the page…and so it begins.

What if I believed in the journey? Enjoyed it even…


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Taking space.

We had a lesson early on in our college art class — drawing the negative space. It took a minute to get going. It was hard not to focus on simply the subject. But once in the habit, viewing the space all around, I could see how it not only shaped the subject, but was actually a subject in and of itself, and not just a void.

This is one of the lessons that I continue to learn. Or rather try. I keep trying to learn. And not surprisingly in the studio, but mostly in the mirror. The subject is often a feeling. And, OH, what strong subjects those feelings can be! Real show stoppers!!! When I can take a moment, a breath, a real look at it, I can see it. All that is surrounding me. Bending me this way and that way. Altering. Pushing even. It is then I have a decision to make. (We have a decision to make.) Do we let our surroundings envelop us, all this negative space — (and wow, isn’t that obvious) — or do we take up the space? Filling it with all that we know of ourselves. Of each other. The things we know for sure. The difference between right and wrong. 

I was reminded yesterday, working on my new piece. He has a smile, a smirk even, and it’s hard to get it right. I make the smallest adjustments. And when it comes to life, when he comes to life, it is because I find it from within him. You can maybe force a laugh, but a smirk, that’s all from inside. 

It’s where I find peace. In the studio. It’s my space. But it’s more than that. It’s how I take up that space. Within all this becoming, I can quiet the din of destruction in the news, in the world, and just be. As much as it tries to press against me, us, I hold strong. We hold strong. Taking up the space, with kindness. With love. With truth. With basic human goodness. 

We must hold strong.


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By the handful.

I can’t say that I knew exactly what I was going to use it for, but I knew I had to have it, because it carries me through every day, lifts me, gives me hope and joy, sustainability — this recognition of the things that I count on.

At first I thought maybe I would click it each time I thought of her, my mother. Every time of the day that I smile or laugh because of her. Click on the hand-held counter each time I clutched my imaginary pearls in a warm memory. Because I imagine that’s what it’s for actually, this petite counter, adding up the repetitions that make you stronger. Then I thought, well, I could actually add my grandparents to that, my friends…all this love that I count on.

And then it occurred to me, this morning, at home, in our new time zone, how much I fall in love with on a daily basis. This good night sleep in my own bed. Click. Breakfast with homemade bread, and lavender honey across from my husband, smiling back. Click, click, click. This strong, fueling coffee. Click. These French and American flags that wave outside our morning window. Click. Click. The studio that waits for me patiently. Click. I guess it all adds up to gratitude. Thanks. Love. Click. Click. Click.

Maybe when the jet lag wears off, I will forget it. Which would be click worthy also. Maybe days will go by without a click, being lost in fun, or creativity. Or maybe when I need it most, just seeing it, sitting on a desk, it will remind me of all that I have, that I love…all the things and people that lift me on a daily basis. And maybe then I will give thanks for the reminder itself. Click. 


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Shorter vision.

Maybe it was easier then, but we always wanted to keep playing. It didn’t matter the score. We never thought about the 10 run rule. It was something about if your team was 10 runs behind by the 3rd or 4th inning, the umpire could just call it. I suppose we all knew at heart we wouldn’t win, that the game was going to end, but that wasn’t the point. The sun was still shining. Our legs were fresh and our visions were short. We could only see this beautiful day and we wanted to keep having fun!

I have to remind myself of it often. I can get too far ahead. I see the ending of our vacation and I can put myself at the airport. Give myself jet lag before even taking off. It is so silly, I know it. So I fight it. I look at the sun coming through the hotel windows and I think, “It’s going to be a lovely day! I want to keep playing!” I don’t want to miss today worrying about tomorrow. My legs are fresh. My heart is here, right now. Let’s go have some fun!


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Isn’t it romantic?

Maybe you could call it satisfying, but I think that there is a real romance to the act of making something, fixing something. It’s no secret that I like to create, but I also like to be around others that do. 

I can’t say it was as often as the coffee shop, but I used to frequent a hardware store in Hopkins, Minnesota. Even when I didn’t know exactly what I needed, they had it. In an unmarked bin. In the back. Pointed out by the man in a red smock, who received additional advice from the two we passed sipping coffee and eating popcorn from a paper sack. I was thrilled to get the right bit, or the thing to hang my mirror…and they seemed to feel the same. The transactions felt clean, accomplished. Parked right in front of the store, I left with a slight hover of popcorn, and a wave, and everything I needed. Nothing I didn’t. 

I think we often get glamour confused with romance. With elegance. I am not one to “gild,” but I want to make the things that I touch feel special. Perhaps with simplicity. Ease. A found piece of wood, sanded again and again, so smooth you could brush a cheek, made into a frame that coddles, not overpowers, the delicate painting within. A painting with a story. A palette. A life. Pure romance. 

It’s still out there, you know. We can sit around complaining about artificial intelligence. What was made overseas. Or, we could do something. Create something. Anything. Cookies. We could patch those jeans. Tighten that bolt. Clean that bathroom. Not begrudgingly, but joyfully. Satisfied, we could stand with hands on hips to brace the smiles, and wouldn’t it be something? It may just be romantic!


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Rocks at first glance.

You had to want to see them — and we did. We were even told where to look, and yet, for a split second, it was hard to distinguish them from the rocks of every other beach. And they weren’t beautiful, until I realized that they were seals. When I imagined these lumps up from their naps, barking and flopping, when I watched the slow up and down of their jiggly breaths, they became alive, real, fascinating even! The longer I looked, stories were revealed. One pup headed back from the water (I guess even seal children struggle to take a nap.) Two snuggled a little closer to each other. They weren’t all the same. These seemingly lifeless rocks at first glance had a story to tell.

I worry about how much we miss. How much we pass by. How many humans we just write off. What if we took the time to really see? I suppose it’s impossible to know everyone’s story, but what if we just acknowledged that everyone has one, that everyone is on a journey. What if we allowed each other to explore? To dare the sea? What if we allowed each other to rest? All in our own time. From ship to shore. Wouldn’t it all, wouldn’t we all, seem a little more beautiful?


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Paying attention.

She was the first to notice, the waitress in Stillwater, Minnesota. I have worn these earrings every day for a couple of years — the outline of the Sainte Victoire mountain. She brought the check to the table and asked, “What mountain is that?” I beamed, for me of course, but for her as well — being curious, paying attention. “It’s the Sainte Victoire,” I replied, “in Aix en Provence where we live.” And the conversation began, all because she was alive, awake!

These earrings represent home. Heart. Courage. Strength. They are the mountains I have, can, and will continue to climb daily. What made her, of all people, notice? Even in France, no one has asked about them. But she did. Maybe she was climbing her own mountain. Maybe she was asking her legs to carry what her heart just couldn’t bear at the moment. Or maybe she just liked them. And that’s enough too. The thing is, she asked the question. A specific question. 

We get lazy I think. Uninterested. We settle on the “how are you?”s and think we did enough. But is it? Is it enough? Is it enough to just pass through each other’s lives? Without learning? Without caring?  

Two years of climbing were wiped away in just a few brief seconds, and I was happy! It really takes so little. So I tell myself, I tell you, be curious, pay attention, — it’s not too much to ask.