Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…

Category Archives: belonging


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Uff-da, y’all.



Two of my mom’s sisters ended up in Texas. Being a child in Minnesota, that seemed about as foreign as it could get. (Little did I know…) When my Aunt Sandy returned on her first visit, she already sounded different. I didn’t have the word for it then, but she definitely had a drawl. How strange, I thought. But I wasn’t that worried, until years later when my mom and I took my grandma down to Texas for a visit. Tired from the drive, I didn’t really notice when we arrived, but the next morning, there she was, my full-on Texas aunt, asking my grandma — the one that her northern children only called “mother” — “Mama, do y’all want to go for biscuits and gravy?” Wait! Mama? Y’all? Biscuits and gravy? What was happening???? Perhaps there was a slight emphasis on the word mother when they returned and my mom asked her, “Did you like the biscuits and gravy, Mother?” I was already smiling when she answered, “Uff-da, y’all…”

I can see now how it happens. Living in France. They say I have an accent. There, of course, and even when I return. We all want to belong. Be a part of something. And we gather ourselves in, word by word, bit by bit, to make ourselves whole, to find a place at the table.

Visiting the Starbuck’s in San Antonio yesterday, they were all out of the butter croissants, so I said “I’ll take the pain au chocolat.” She looked at me so strangely… Uff-da, y’all, I thought. “I mean the chocolate croissant,” I smiled. I am a part of it all.

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In the hollows.

There is a hollow space beneath my left set of ribs. After they removed my body cast, I noticed it. I guess six weeks of the plaster wore it down.

Today I swim. Walk. Run. Exercise. All the things. The space remains. I don’t know why I saw it yesterday. In the mirror. Showering after my workout. I almost never think about it. I rarely even see it.

Maybe the universe thought I needed a little sign. A reminder, not of the pain, but of the living. I’m certain while I was in it, I thought it to be endless. Probably felt trapped. But I have no feeling of that now. Only a small hollow space that serves me well. A space, that if it had been immediately filled, I wouldn’t have it as the proof of strength, survival, of life itself.

Maybe that’s where we keep our most precious gifts, in those spaces. The tiny hollows left by life lessons, wayward paths, even love.

I miss my mother. But forever I keep a space open, just for her. Where memories have room to giggle and weep. To hug and wonder. To roam. And forever love.

I look in the mirror. I smile. Not weighed or worried by the hollows. I carry them with me, as light as joy.

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Three Snow Whites and a Viking.

Three Snow Whites stepped out of the Starbucks in Bay City,Texas. It’s just a tiny town. It would have been surprising enough that they even had a Starbucks. And it sounds like the beginning of a joke, but they weren’t laughing. Their shiny black hair blew in the southern breeze, along with their silky yellow and blue dresses. Just shy of bluebirds on their shoulders, they looked perfectly Disney. They sipped on their coffees. Reached for their keys, and went to their cars, as if this happened every Saturday. And maybe it does, but we won’t be here to tell. 

I could have raced after them with my cell phone. Begged for a photo. But coming from a small town, I know the code. 

In Alexandria, Minnesota we have a statue of a large Viking. On his shield, it claims this is the Birthplace of America. In the summer, when our population doubled — all those coming from the Twin Cities to cool down in one of our many lakes — we could see them laugh. Poking fun at our big statue. Jumping on his feet. Taking ironic photos before heading off to the golf course. 

I would like to say that I defended him, us. But in my cut-off shorts and off brand tennis shoes, I didn’t yet have the words. I hope I apologized on my daily ride past him, perched on my banana seat bike, but I’m not sure that I did. 

Maybe it WAS the birthplace of America, maybe it wasn’t…I’m still not sure, but it was our birthplace, of our America. All of my beginnings began at his feet. It was the end of Van Dyke Road, and the start of Main. And even though at times it felt like I was the only one living this life, somehow it was not just my destiny. No, this we shared. Maybe all small towns do. We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t have to. This was our town. Our Viking. I had to leave to find the words, but even from a country away, I will claim it. Defend it. My hometown.

So no, I didn’t find out about the three Snow Whites. That’s their story to tell. I sit back on my imaginary banana seat bike, and enjoy the view as they step outside their destiny.

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Palette.

It’s not like we were told, but I think we all assumed we had to pick one. By October in each school year at Jefferson Senior High, we fell into line. Jocks, Hoods, Preppies, Nerds, Geeks. Some of us tried to hover between band, the gym and English class, but the differences were clear. Sometimes even uniformed. The only thing I was sure about was that everyone seemed so sure in their roles. Perhaps they thought the same about me. I wasn’t.

I suppose it takes a long time to build a soul. A life. Along the way you discover parts. Tiny sparks of color that make you feel a little bit more like yourself. You grow and change. Adaptations often more regular than choice (maybe these adjustments are the real choices).

Looking at the palette that makes up my latest creation, I smile. A dab of this. A stroke of that. This collection — this beautiful mess of colors that make up my life. Yes, I am an artist. An author. But I dip my brush and I bake. I dip my brush and play yard sports with the kids. I dip my brush and travel. Play fashion show. And read. And build. And change. Stroke by stroke, I am given my wings. Not confined by stereotypes or assumptions. I am my own blend of feathers. And one way or another, I am going to fly!

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Finding Houston.

Sometimes it’s as simple as whether the sun is out or not, but I have fallen in and out of love with cities throughout the United States. And they can change, sure, a little, but mostly I think it’s me.

Cities I thought I loved several years ago, this visit, not so much. And that’s ok, it doesn’t take away from my previous visits. I’ve also been surprised in the reverse — loving those I thought I never could. Taking the extra photos, celebrating, almost apologizing for not seeing it before. I know it’s silly. Laurel, Mississippi doesn’t need me to love it, no more than Houston was waiting for me to change my mind.

I suppose it’s the same with people. We spend so much time and energy wondering what people think. Do they like me when…will they like me if… oof, it can be exhausting. Should I change? Did they? We’re all wandering, wondering. Seeing situations and people again, for the very first time. It’s a journey. We would do well to remember we’re all on one. Knowing this, (I remind myself too), maybe we could all be a little more kind, gentle, joyful, loving, along the way. And maybe when our days and time together don’t always match up, we can smile and wave… and remember how we fell in love with Houston.


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Morning heals.

The first time driving into Houston I was still in my teens. My mom and I were going to see her sister Kay. The approach to the city is a cluster of freeways. I wasn’t yet sure if the rumors were true, but certainly the cars were bigger, mostly being trucks, and they were fast! I sped to keep within the blur of the car in front of me, and out of the one behind me.

The time between then and now feels almost as quick. The memories whir in multiple lanes.

Yesterday I was at the wheel again. This time my husband beside me. We got caught up in the medical district. So many hospitals. One beside the other. Each bigger than the next. I weaved my way through the care, both urgent and long, while Dominique searched for a hotel on his iPad. I could see him swiping out of the corner of my eye. “They’re so expensive,” he said.

I wasn’t surprised. This I had known from being a teenager as well. Being a teenager always in the hospital. My mother by my side until visiting hours were over. Having to drive in the dark. No directions, internal or external. No GPS. No phones. Having to drive beyond the security and nearness that only money could buy. She drove to what we could afford.

Anesthesia wearing off, worry setting in, I had no way to know if she made it. If she dared to close her eyes. Dared the comfort of sleep. Miles apart. Still. Quiet. We waited for morning’s heal.

Time has blurred so much, but not the love. Not the love that I felt as my hospital door opened and my mother’s smiling face entered. What she did for me. Still does.

It’s not a spoiler to say that we made it. Then and now.

Life moves pretty fast. Somehow, slowly, thoughtfully, joyfully, we save each other along the way.

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Unlaced.

My first and only question to the clerk at Iverson’s shoes was, “Are they fast?” He assured me that they were, but encouraged me to race to the front window of the store. He neglected to time me, but still, these felt faster than last year’s pair. He put my old pair in the box. My mother paid. I wore my new bumper tennies home. Not certain if I was racing them, or they were racing me.

I don’t know what we did with the box, but I assume they didn’t come with directions. I was left to my own devices. I decided it was completely up to me, what these beautiful shoes could or couldn’t do. Testing if they could pedal faster, I took my banana seat bike from the garage and set out for Lake Latoka. It was hard to gauge on the gravel of Van Dyke Road, but when I hit the paved hill by Lord’s house, I began to really move! They were faster! On the long stretch toward the lake, my knees blurred into the blue of my new shoes. I had never gone so fast. Perhaps in my eagerness to give them a spin, I had neglected to tie the laces sufficiently. In a scramble of laces and chain and heel hitting the tiny spikes of the pedal, my right shoe flew off my foot into the air. For a brief second, my heart in my throat, my legs in the air, the pedals still spinning, my shoe beside my head, it felt — no, I was sure — I was flying! That’s the thing about magic, no one can ever prepare you.

Time moves faster than last year. I have the final pair of Van shoes my mother bought. I don’t know if she asked, but they turned out to be fast. They sit beside me now. Unlaced. Almost brand new. I was unprepared for this as well, but heart in my throat, I know she is flying.

I can’t be sure if I’m carrying the magic, or it’s carrying me, probably a little of both. The pedals keep turning — what a ride! My heart keeps believing — What a ride!

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The river blushed.

I have no ownership of it. Still, I feel connected to the Mississippi River. Living in Minneapolis all those years, we got to know each other. Understand each other. The secrets and concerns I told over bridge rails. It promising not to erase them, but carry them down. Easing worry and weight. Turning flounder into flow.

I’d like to think I thanked it, this river, for carrying my precious cargo, but I’m not sure I did. Not well enough. Perhaps it is the way with all those we love. We get used to them sharing the weight beside us. Expect it. Rely on it. 

My mother was alive the last time I stood on the banks of the river between Louisiana and Mississippi.  Yesterday evening in the setting sun, she still was. The love had been carried, just as promised. Ever flowing. 

Some might explain it away, saying it was only the moon…but when I looked up in the sky, there was the smile. My mother’s smile. Telling me she knew. She always knew. I smiled back. The river blushed, telling me the same.

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Making Strides.

It took me nearly 20 years to match her stride, my long-legged mother. I can still feel the lilt of her skirt brushing against me as I two-stepped, skipped, ran, behind her. I knew she wasn’t going to slow down. She wasn’t about to apologize for those long stems that carried her. She relied on them. Needed them. Even when her heart sent them a wobble, they held. It was something to see, even from behind. 

Mrs. Anderson, our high school volleyball coach, always told us that we raised our game with the best of teams. And she was right. Barely winning over the weaker ones. Surprising those who were sure to win. When they gave us their best, we got better.

I have to believe that’s what my mother was doing. Giving me her best. With each reach of her size tens, she asked me to keep up. Willed me to keep going. On the roughest of roads, she put one foot in front of the other. And I followed. Joyfully, pridefully, followed. With each step, getting better.

In the hotel lobby this morning, I was behind a woman with her walker. Memories tripping. My heart wobbled. Give your best, I heard. I reached the sugar for her from the top shelf. Steadied her cup. We both smiled. I walked away with long strides.

I was taught to believe my feet will take me where I need to go. I still do.

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The language of the Mockingbird.

“…But who tells you what to do?” I asked this of my grandfather every summer before he walked out to the field alone. He smiled and went about doing it. At five years old, I thought he must be just about the smartest man in the world. Because whether he knew what to do or not, somehow he was doing it. Planting. Growing. Fixing tractors. Trucks. Harvesting. Selling. There was no google. No experts. No daily planners. Long before Nike encouraged us, or even thought of it, he “just did it.” 

I suppose it was this knowledge that served for me, almost as permission, to forge my own path. To become an artist. People through the years have looked to me with those same questioning eyes…wondering how to do it. People want answers. Solutions. Guidelines. A reason to get up in the morning. But the thing is, you can’t wait for a reason to get up, you have to get up and go find that reason, that solution, every day. 

And my five year old questioning self can sneak in from time to time. It happens for all of us. Receiving my new sketchbook, I hesitated to begin. The blank pages offer no outlines. No directions. 

I saw the signs everywhere in Mississippi for their state bird — the Mockingbird. We learned about them from Harper Lee.  Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. They don’t have sheet music. No back-ups. They just sing. I opened my sketchbook to the middle and started my song. 

The sun is coming up today in New Orleans. We don’t have a plan. We smile, and go about doing it, singing, in the language of the Mockingbird.

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