Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…

Monthly Archives: July 2026


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All out loud.

I’m not sure when I learned it. Maybe on the school bus with wet hair, breathing so deeply. Holding blank, fresh notebooks tightly to my waist, to simulate the last hug from my mother at the garage door. “Be a big girl,” she said. Oh, I wanted to be. But then the Norton girls got on, all five of them, in all that comfort and bickering of a shared bathroom and last name. And I wanted some of that sameness, but I only felt more alone. I sucked in my lower lip, knowing that would be the first to go, to quiver. And I closed my eyes, willing the tech-school student bus driver to move, move… just get me to school and then I would be ok. I would find a friendly face in that circle as we sat on the cool floor. If I could just hold it in until, Cindy or Barbie, Wendy or Lori, or even Mrs. Strand, could smile at me and gather me in the warmth of “what did you do last night?” and “I’m so happy you’re here.”

I learned to hold it in. Mostly, I suppose, because I knew I had a place, a home, where I would never have to.  I don’t know if it was the first time, but it was a time, and I was struggling, bubbling, simmering from lips to eyelids, and my mother asked me, “Do you need to cry out loud?” I shook my head yes. She sat me down. Sat herself beside me. And I did. And it wasn’t for long. I suppose when you’re allowed to let it all go, it can go pretty quickly. And I was saved.

And it wasn’t just tears. She gave me the safest space to do it all out loud. To dream. To hope. To become. To laugh. To sing. To try. I didn’t have to hide or wonder, brace myself or worry.  I could just be — out loud, in living color. 

I can’t say I never stumble. Never quiver. I can find myself looking back for her shadow at the door. And there are places and times when I know I have to hold it in. But freedom is never far. 

We can do this for each other, you know. We can give one another the space to be who we are. We can join in the release of laughter, and tears — both out loud!  And either way, we can be the one who says, “I’m so happy you’re here.”

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Well written.

I imagine how the next day went. And the day after. Because their lives didn’t end when I got to the last page. Isn’t that what a good book does? With the same tools as every other writer, all the curved lines that form letters, the dots and dashes that make you stop in your tracks, an author can change the way you feel (not just in the moment) but for a lifetime. 

I suppose it’s the same with love, when it’s written well upon your heart. That has to be what draws us in. What keeps us thinking. Those whose lives are so developed, whose storyline runs so deep, it continues long after the final turning of the page. These are the lives I want to surround myself with. It’s the life I want to live, and not in a vain way, (although I do indeed want you to keep coming back – I want to hold your interest) but also for myself — I want to be interested in my own life — to see where this goes. What could happen next? I want to live so deeply that the only choice isn’t even a choice, but a continuation. 

The morning sun awakens the letters that tickle their way from heart to head to hands…and the story continues…

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Tis of thee.

It seems a bit early to wish you a happy Independence Day, because you see, for me, my Fourth of July arrived on the Sixth. That’s the day my mother was born. She was, is, my America. 

I often wonder about that day. Did it feel like a slice of Americana? He in his overalls. She in her house dress, stretched to the limit. Did the back of Grandma Elsie’s thighs stick to the unairconditioned truck seat as they made their way to town? Did one of the Zavadil boys run alongside the road with the last of the sparklers, freezing the cows behind the fence? Certainly everyone was doing chores. There was no vacation days from the farms. 

And were there still a few streamers left from the parade as they made their way on Broadway? Did the hospital still fly the flag, or were they back to the whites? Did the doctor look a little extra tan from the picnic two days earlier? 

And when she arrived, on what would ever be my holiday of choice, (now with one boy and one girl and a farm), did they say, “This is our America?” Or did they simply know they were home?

I suppose, I often hope, that it might be the same for everyone. Sure, America is the golden dream, the grand experiment, but for most I think, for Americans, it is the used Chevy Malibu that drove you to the softball game. It is the agonizing and glorious gathering of one hour after hot dogs, before entering the water. The drive down broadway. The familiar. The hope of what’s to come. It is family, and friends, both that sparkle with a loud “tis of thee!”

So happy 4th! I celebrate with you! And when the 6th arrives, I invite you to do the same! We’re all in this together. Every day!

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Beyond the fray.

I didn’t know the meaning of fray until my mother taught me how to thread a needle. Sitting in her bedroom closet on a folding chair, because that was the only space for her machine and sewing supplies, she put my hands under the light and talked me through it. As the thread split apart and blocked the entry, she snipped the end and had me try again. And again. She had me close one eye. Then the other. The needle moved from side to side. Was the winking to signify I too was in on the joke, in on the fray? Slower, she cautioned. Breathe. And then, without my knowledge or permission, it went through. So excited I jerked around to show her, and it came undone, but still… So I did it again. And again. She held the small of my back, willing the patience to see me beyond the fray, beyond the passing, finally being ready to sew. 

Oh, patience…she can be a fickle neighbor. Coming by when you swear you don’t need her, avoiding you when you do. But I hope I’m getting better. Leaving that entry open. Even though sometimes it’s like passing through the eye of that very needle. But patience does come. Will come. Beyond the fray. 

And that’s when you hope you’re blessed, blessed to be with someone who will see you through that fray. Wait with you. Breathe with you. Celebrate when you make it beyond. That was my mother. She taught me how to sew. She’s still teaching me how to live. 

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Stop scooping jacks.

How easily my confidence could be rattled. Like jacks thrown on the playground. Oh, how I’d scramble to pick up a little “c’mon now…” with each bounce of the ball. Gather up a “who cares what they think,” a “you’re fine.” And as my pockets filled with these words, certainly given to me at one point by my mother, I bounced the ball a little higher. Got off my knees. Stopped scooping jacks. And joined back in the fun.

It’s less frequent, but on occasion I can return to the lowest ground of Washington Elementary, with just a slip of someone’s tongue. Foolish as it seems, even to me. And I find myself asking, “What are you doing? Still trying to gather up your confidence? It was never on the ground. Your heart’s pocket has never been, never will be empty.”

And I realize that I don’t do anything because I’m sure, I do it because I love it. I paint the hands of the woman, veined not with certainty, but with effort. I bake the cake, mixing in lavender honey to replace the last 80 grams of condensed milk that I do not have. I express the feeling in a language that I cannot call my own. And love with a heart dusted from playground sand.

Off my knees. The day begins. I have a painting to finish.

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Sometimes a dancer.

You think it’s an apron. And it is sometimes. The proof is the paint splatters that are beginning to gather. And it makes sense around my waist, as a quick brush off of excess water, or a change of color, but it doesn’t really explain the spots around my neck straps. Those are probably because of the dancing. 

While the music plays along with the strokes, there are some songs that just won’t take no for an answer, and soon I am dancing like no one but the portraits are watching. Partnered by the brush in hand, I will get pulled in, hence the paint on my collar. 

My neighbor continues to ask, though I’ve answered many times, “Are you a singer?” I’m sure she hears me on the way to my studio. I say, “Sometimes.” And I am a dancer sometimes. And sometimes a poet. Sometimes a baker. I suppose I used to give the answer no. Not anymore. Because I am sometimes all of these things. And more. And it’s not a judgement or declaration of things that I do extraordinarily well…but rather if I can say, “Well, I had a time!!!! Wasn’t that some time!” 

And the song will change on the player and I am a painter again, but I smile above my painted straps, tap my foot,  and know the truth of all that can be.  

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