Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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Shoeboxes and Valentines.

Never was I so happy that my mother had long feet as the week before Valentine’s Day. Mrs. Strand sent us home from Washington Elementary to retrieve a shoe box. I opened the closet to my mother’s neatly stacked 11 narrows and my heart raced. 

I sat with my beautiful box from Herberger’s atop my desk. I felt badly for those with only sizes seven or eight. Of course we’d all get the same amount. We were told to make Valentine’s for everyone in the class. But in my large box, none would have to be shoved, or damaged. 

We spent hours the day before. Well, some of us did. A lot of the boys finished in five minutes. I took my time. Cutting each heart, in reds and pinks and whites. Folding strips of paper to make springs, so the hearts could leap (just as mine felt with all this craft paper.) Never was I so prepared to receive all the “be mines,” as I was with my mother’s shoe box. And how appropriate that she gave me the vessel, as she was the one who taught me to love.

Yesterday, making the cookies, the springs of my heart jumped throughout our French kitchen. I graded the frosting from white to pink to red. I applied the decorations. My love could not be rushed, shoved or damaged. My mother saw to that. Sees to it still.  


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The Cardinal beat.

We were never asked the question when we were young — “How do you identify?” I smile now, thinking about it, because I probably would have answered — “A cardinal.”

I didn’t see it for the blessing that it was at the time — maybe that’s the way with all blessings — but despite time and distance, it has stayed with me, this feeling of belonging, being, and I remain a cardinal.

Even on the teams we didn’t play for, we still came together in our red and black. Sometimes on the field. Sometimes in the band. Sometimes in the bleachers. Forever donned in our mascot, the Alexandria Cardinals. Because no matter what we were, hoods, geeks, nerds, jocks, preppies, we were always cardinals. We stomped and clapped to the Cardinal beat. Competed. Learned. Fought. Made up. Grew. Fell. Got up. Together.

I put on my second-hand Cardinal T-shirt yesterday. Wondering why it couldn’t all be this simple. Weren’t we, aren’t we, all a part of something bigger? I’d like to think so. Maybe the red and black is never all that black and white. But it is something to be connected. To be a part of the bigger picture. I want that. For all of us. For this world. We could come together. And identify as one.


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Wagons filled.

It wasn’t a recognized brand name. The only “flying” it did was behind me as I ran. But I loved that wagon. It carried everything that was important to me. As red as I imagined my heart to be, I filled it with stuffed animals and baby dolls. I put a blanket down first so their backsides didn’t turn orange. Yes, it was rusted, but not through. It was strong. Carrying every dream that I imagined for myself, and all those I pulled behind. 

They were bounced over gravel day after summer day. To the circus and picnics. To schools and playgrounds. To airplanes. To malls. To weddings. To the future. Anything, anywhere I could imagine. My fingers gripped the handle. My heart gripped the possibilities. I had everything. 

I will admit in recent days, I have felt that if I were to touch my heart, my hand would come back orange. Tear-rusted. And it might be true. But I don’t love it any less. I don’t want to love anything less, or anyone less. So I feel it. Embrace it. And hang on! Because now is the time for more. More feelings. More dreaming. More possibilities. More love. Heart wagons filled and racing behind legs of youth. Forever with me. With us. As long as we hold on.