Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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Bear Witness.

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.”

— James Baldwin

I have never recommended a book before finishing, until today. I am reading “Demon Copperhead,” by Barbara Kingsolver. And I hesitate here to even use the word reading – it doesn’t seem to be exactly right. Perhaps it’s more like “experiencing.” And for me, that’s when the author gets it right. When pages become doors. Words become feelings. Knowledge becomes empathy.

Empathy. I didn’t have the word for it then, when I began to write. But I can see it was the reason. As I read through poems I wrote for my mother. Scratches on paper. Childlike (well, I was a child) attempts at painting words on wood. All to let her know that I could feel what she was feeling. And I cared. We were, are forever, connected.

Once, I began selling my work throughout the country, it became ever so clear, we weren’t alone. People would hold a framed phrase in their hand and say, “This is so me!” And I would smile at my mother, she wearing the look, “Well, actually… it’s about me.” But that’s what connects us, you see – connects us all. And oh, what a comfort, what a joy, to be connected! It’s really all we have — it’s everything!

So I reach out daily. Offering my story, in hopes you will share yours. We are all here to tell a story.


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Something close to hope.

I battled my French lesson this morning, word by word, accent by accent. And “they” know when you are struggling — a little prompt comes up — “Even when you make mistakes, you’re still learning.” I smile and pray it is true, with everything I do.

Sometimes I’ll say a few words to a stranger in French, and they will answer in English. “Wow,” I think, “it’s really that obvious?”…as if the crutch of my broken language is dangling from under my arm. If only the real struggles of everyone were that easy to see.

It’s so easy to be unkind. To be impatient. I know it is a lesson, I, we, must work on daily. It’s impossible to see what everyone is going through. The “how are you”s and the “fines” just don’t tell the whole story. The limps of the heart go undetected. So I guess the answer is to just keep trying. Trying each day to be more kind. More empathetic. And even on the days we fail, when others fail, to understand that we are all still learning. Arriving at something close to hope, and beginning our journey again.


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Love’s well-lit path.

How could it be ten years? It seems impossible. And yet, Facebook, Google and my friend from Chicago all sent reminders of the day. It was a grand show of my giant paintings at Flourish Gallery.

I marvel at all that has changed…and all that has not.

I don’t paint in the same style. I am married. I live abroad. Somedays, with a lot of effort, I don’t even speak the same language. Standing then, in the glow of the windy city preparing for the holidays to come, next to a giant painting of Ella Fitzgerald, I wasn’t even imagining any of it. I suppose it’s like the old joke says, “go ahead, make some plans…”

But here’s what is the same. The holidays still come. Friends remain within heart-reach. The light of the season is all around. And the well-lit path of love is still surprising me, guiding me.

Everything changes. Each navigation with it’s own challenges, difficulties. Ah, but the light… that glorious light. It always guides me home.


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Magical gifts.

I don’t remember her full name. We only ever called her “Miss B.” She taught speed reading at Jefferson Senior High School.  I already loved to read. The thought of being able to do more of it, in less time, seemed magical.

I sat in the front row. I wanted to be as close to the knowledge as possible. I sat at my desk. Leaning forward. One leg forward. One leg back. As if in the starting blocks. And in a way I was. We all were. Starting. 

She started the classes with tips that seemed straight from the required lecture provided by the state. My left leg started to sag in place. What was this? Where was the magic? Disappointment pulled at my shoulders. 

Then one day she stood at the front of the class holding a stick. Dowsing rods — I didn’t have the language for it then — in fact I had to look it up again today. I thought she called them divining rods (and I thought, indeed, it was.). She told us she could find water using them. Magic. I knew there had to be magic! My feet back in the blocks, poised for the race. She explained you did the same for the words. Let your eyes wander across the page and search out the most important words. With practice, it will come easier. Faster. Your eyes will flow across the waves of words and grab hold of the ones most poignant to the story. It worked. The magic worked.

I am a voracious reader. I suppose I’m fast, but that has never really been the point. It has always been about the magic. And that has never wavered. Miss B. gave that to me, to us — a magical start!

The sun is coming up. Feet joyfully in the starting blocks. I smile. Magic is all around. And so it begins…


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Took comfort.

My heart was feeling this constant pressure. It felt too big for my chest. The blood left tracks as it moved from limb to limb. From heart to brain. This awareness ruled over everything. Blurring. Distracting. All encompassing. But I wasn’t in pain. I was falling in love. 

A surgeon once told me, the brain has a hard time deciphering things. It will mix up fear, with pain. Being cold, with pain. And if you stopped to think about it, really think about it in the moment, you could go through the check list. Am I actually in danger? Am I in physical pain? Normally the answer was no. Maybe I was cold. Maybe I was a little scared. But it didn’t have to necessarily be associated with pain. And in doing this, I could change my mind. Not always easy, but possible…and brilliant. 

I enjoyed the feelings when I was falling in love with Dominique. I still do. Sometimes my heart will give a flutter, when he walks into a room. This is never pain.  

Yesterday, with thoughts of my mother racing through my head, my heart ached. So big. So heavy. It traveled to each limb. I placed my hand on my chest. And it occurred to me, for just that moment…a flash in my heart that begged my brain to see, this wasn’t pain, this was love. Love. Never easy, but possible…brilliant.  


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To become.

I am bombarded with Birkenstocks. I’ve only recently come to like them. I saw a documentary on the company right before traveling to the US in September. What I remembered most was the CEO saying he neither wanted, nor needed celebrity endorsements. He was confident in their product. The airline lost our luggage, and I was in need of a pair of shoes. So I tried my first pair. And I loved them. People can change.

I looked online to find some for my husband. With one look, I have been pegged. Now all I receive are Birkenstock ads. Over and over and over. But that’s what the internet does. The slightest movement and you are forever tagged as that kind of person. And that’s one thing for a computer. I can let that go. But it got me thinking, do we do that as humans? To each other? I’m so afraid that we do.

I know for certain that I am not the same person I was at 14, or 17. I’m really not even the same person that I was last month. Life changes. We change. With any luck, a bit of grace, for the better. And I want people to see it. Of course we all do. But I am just as guilty as the next person…seeing someone that I went to high school with, and still thinking of them as they were, the jock, the brain, the stoner… But I don’t want to be stuck there, so why would I, should I, want to hinder the growth of others? We all need the chance to grow. To wander. To learn. To become. Every day.

As I scroll through the morning ads, I smile. I, we, are not stuck. We are not trapped. We are not one thing. We are allowed to change our shoes, our minds, even our hearts. We are allowed to grow. Welcome to the garden.


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Sweet seasons.

Maybe he was more aware of how little time there actually was…maybe all farmers are, as they watch and work the seasons. Or maybe he was just smarter than the rest of us, but my grandfather did not suffer fools. He just didn’t want to hear it. He had no time for the whining… the “but he got to do it” or “it’s just not fair”…  No, he would have none of it. Even when what we were battling was not each other, but something deep inside ourselves, the answer was always the same – “Focus on something else. Focus on someone else.” 

And it has always worked. Which is why it is so surprising to me, with this 100% effectiveness, I have had to learn this lesson again and again and again. Yesterday I was having a bit of a melt down, and I’m being generous. It was not pretty. All morning long. By the afternoon, even I was tired of hearing the voices in my head. So I changed them. Focus on something else. Someone else. That something was going to be cookies. That someone was going to be my mother in law. Because even nearing a century old, she still loves sugar. 

The signs were there – as I suppose they always are. Two cups of butter. That’s a lot of butter. Of course there was going to be a lot of dough. But I mixed up the recipe. Filled my mixing bowl to the rim. Made my tester cookie. Perfect. Hurray. Soon the voices in my head were silenced by a layer of flour. Roll. Cut. Bake. Roll. Cut. Bake. There were so many cookies. And then the frosting. It was hours. By the end I was exhausted. And lighter. And happy. 

Today we will deliver the cookies — sugar and lessons in tow. The seasons of both are so very sweet.


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I’m going to need a lot of lipstick.

It’s still surprising when something I wrote almost 18 years ago can be brand new to someone. I posted a picture yesterday of my book, “Slap on a little lipstick…You’ll be fine.” Many different people said, “Wait, that’s you?” “You wrote that?” “I’ve had that magnet on my refrigerator for years!” “I have that card on my mirror.” “I didn’t know that was you!” Yes, it’s me.

My mother used to tell me that before I was even of lipstick wearing age. And I learned quickly. She had practiced this self care for years…carrying her “bootstraps” in her purse, in the shade of rose red.

I wanted to start setting up for Christmas yesterday. I knew it would be hard – this first year without my mom here – but I didn’t anticipate the depth of it. I pulled out her little stockings. So beautiful. So delicate. So innocent and full of belief. And the tears began to flow. Make-up drowning tears that washed all of the season away. But there was her face. Right there on the shelf. On the front of the book. Smiling. “Still here,” she said. Still with the same advice. “It’s never wrong to try to be happy…” “You are this day’s survivor, and a thing of beauty…”

When I was having so many surgeries as a teenager, we needed those words quite often. Coming home from the hospital, I would be tired, sad, still trying to shake the anesthesia. “I’m going to the mall…” she would say. “But wait, I don’t think I can go…” “Well, you’re going to miss out then,” she said. “But I don’t want to miss out…” “Then let’s go!” she said. “But I look terrible and I feel terrible,” I whined. “Oh, slap on a little lipstick, you’ll be fine.” she replied. Again and again. And so it was born. I did. I was. And I didn’t miss out. Because of her. She taught me that strength could be a thing of beauty.

I’m sitting next to a little baby Christmas tree this morning. Everything seems different, brand new even. But the tree is decorated. Blinking with delicate hope. And I don’t want to miss out. Everything is still beautiful. I smile, believing in mother’s simply brilliant words, “Slap on a little lipstick, you’ll be fine.”

I will.


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Out of the deep end.

I picked up the brush yesterday. As the paper turned from cream to blue, the clock turned back and I was five again. In my bedroom. With each stroke teaching myself how to feel. How to laugh. How to cry. How to wrap myself in a comforting blue sky. Lift myself in the most joyous of yellows. I wanted to feel it all. And that was the real gift, I suppose. Knowing that I had to feel it all in order to see.

When I first moved to France, the unknown language was like a weight in the water. But I had been through this before. Learning to swim at the Central School pool, we were tested in the deep end. We had to tread water for three minutes. Head and hands above the water. Feet kicking furiously below. “Lengthen your neck,” our teacher encouraged, “Lift your chin,” she urged from the side of the pool, “You can do this… Look up!” And it worked. As I stretched my neck and head toward the sky, I could feel it — I was getting lighter, higher…I wasn’t just learning to swim, I was learning to fly.

Here in France, in this sea of different, this Mediterranean of all that was new, I decided to look up. And I saw them. Maybe for the first time. The birds. Once again, I had to feel it all in order to see.

I hadn’t painted birds until I moved here. As my feet kicked furiously beneath me, my hands calmed, and I began painting them. So light. So up. So beautiful, the gifts that I, we, have been given.

As the bird comes to life on my paper, she sings her song of yellow , “You can do this…you just have to look up!”


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Fashion show.

“To be well dressed is a little like being in love.” Oleg Cassini

I found that quote. White print on turquoise paper (her favorite color). She probably cut it out of a magazine. It was paperclipped inside my mother’s journal.

And if you knew her, really knew her, you could see it. It wasn’t just fashion. It was self-care. It was a beautifully hand stitched dream. It was love.

No one took better care of her clothes. You know when you buy a white blouse, and you bring it home, it almost shines. But inevitably, it begins to dull. Never the same as the first wear. That wasn’t the case with my mom. She had the whitest blouses. Always. And they didn’t dull with the dinge of time passing. No! Hers seemed to get even whiter.

And so it was with her heart. Her love was pure. Never-ending.

I was wearing one of those white blouses the other day. (Playing “fashion show” always cheers me.) My daughter-in-law came over. Seeing her for the first time, since my mother’s passing, wearing her clothes, the tears of tenderness began to flow. I immediately bent over so the tears fell to the floor. I was not about to stain the pureness of this white blouse. I started to laugh. Who would do such a thing? Bend over… My mother. That’s who. My heart was full. Well dressed. Forever in love.

Maybe it’s a good time to tell someone….