Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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High hopes.

Today was one of my mom’s favorite holidays — Groundhog Day! No pressure of gifts or events. No worries of saying it right, offending someone. No “should-haves” or “supposed-tos”. It was, and always would be, only what you made of it, she said. Because whether or not shadows were cast, (and certainly she knew about that), spring was going to come. 

And wasn’t that exactly how she, we, lived. No control of weather, or those who tried to cast things over us, like doubt, or fear, or worry, (all things dark). And even if, or when, they did — we too, just like everyone else, held the promise of spring. It was not based on wealth, or the building you prayed in, the name you held, or the person you voted for. Spring was coming, sometimes later than we wanted, indeed, but it never failed. And wasn’t that a beautiful reason for hope, for celebration! 

Some will call it silly. (I’ve never thought of silly as an insult.) And so what if it is. I will never look down a moment of hope. A day taken just as a reminder that no matter what we do, what is done, spring is coming. Spring is coming! What a gift! What a thing to celebrate! Happy Groundhog Day, my friends! The sun is shining through the window, my heart, my fingers — make of it what you will!  

And off we flew with all of wildly different high hopes!


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Hey, Robin!

They were always happy to see her. “Hey, Robin!” Women waving from windowsills freshly opened. Kids on bicycles, spinning newly bare-legged. The mail carriers with a little extra spring in their steps. And that was it, she supposed, this spring. She hadn’t realized what was brought each year — this promise of renewal. This hope of better days. But she had seen her mother do it, from, well, this bird’s eye view. Fully nested she watched the earth give her mother an approving wink, and she knew one day she would do the same.

She couldn’t remember the day it happened. It seemed she was just flying. Underneath her mother’s wing, she soared through city and field. Darting and dancing. Oh, what joy to be in her mother’s stream. Flowers bloomed and bees sang along in seemingly endless sun. She wasn’t worried when the colors began to change. They were still lovely. Almost the rouge of her own breast. How could that be bad? So she kept flying through the dropping leaves. She hadn’t seen winter yet. But her mother prepared her as best she could. “But if we bring the spring,” she questioned, why don’t we just bring it now?” Her mother smiled, knowing she had asked the same thing. And her mother before her. I suppose everyone wonders. Why the winter months? Poets and philosophers have always tried to answer. But maybe the most truthful was her mother — who stopped focusing on the why, and only looked forward to the sweet call.

She thinks about her daily. Hears her song in each twig that she rests on. Her tiny orange heart can get away from her. And she knows she wasn’t promised spring. No, she would have to bring it. The thought heavies her wings, and she waits. It takes a winter, I suppose, for the “have to” to turn to a “get to.” But the hopeful flutter returns. She “gets to” bring the spring. What a privilege! She leaps from branch to blue, and hears the joyful cries — “Hey, Robin!”


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We’re Open!

The announcer said, “Today on the podcast, Beth Stelling…” Suddenly my French feet were on a Chicago sidewalk, entering the coffee shop on the corner. I called her Bethy then. She was so young. Fresh faced and hopeful, even after spending half the night at a comedy club. She made my vanilla latte extra-hot like I liked it, like the Chicago winter demanded. We were all going to be something. Comedians. Writers. Artists. Actors. We sat in front of laptops and sketchbooks and scripts.  I scratched out her portrait in charcoal. The men, uniformed in blue, on their fifteen minute break from the construction site across the street were plotting over their coffees. Just as it should have been, all dreams were being caffeinated. 

It has been years since I held one of her flyers in my hand. Since I walked into the coffee shop the morning after it had been vandalized, just a hole where the door used to be, with a sign on the broken window that read, “Well, we’re open…” We always found a way to laugh. And here she was, on one of the best podcasts in the nation. I was so happy! Happy for her! Happy that she is doing so well! Bravo, Bethy! Beth! 

I only mention it because it feels good to be happy for someone. To celebrate the joy of others. What if we all did that today? Whether we are talking about our candidates, our religion, our jobs, our families, towns, work…what if we found the joy, the pure joy in others, and in ourselves?!!! As the song says, “you may say I’m a dreamer…” and I am. Proudly. Still caffeinated with hope, with the possibility, that we all could be that something worth believing in! I tape the sign on my heart and mind, “Well, we’re open!”


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The in-betweens.

She was sitting just a table away from the band. Was it a wedding? In between the ceremony and the dance? To see her sitting there at the table, my not-yet mother, early twenties, I know her. One eye on the other woman at the table. One ear on the music. Size tens slightly tapping under the table. Ready for the dance.

It wouldn’t have been “old time” dancing then. Just dancing. Surely there would have been a polka — I see the tuba. But she was good at the in betweens, my mother. Teaching me that what we had, was exactly enough. It was easy as a child to get caught up in the next of it all. Rushing through Halloween. Making a path with the candy to lead to Thanksgiving. Clear the table. Get the dishes done so we can decorate. Wrap the gifts. Shake the gifts. Unwrap them. Happy New Year! But she taught me to enjoy the middle.

We both loved to read, so she compared it all to a book. Those center pages, when you are so immersed in the story, you don’t want to stop reading, but you don’t want it to end. This was the glorious part of living. This is where I want to live. Still.

It’s still easy for me to get caught up in the what ifs and whens of it all, but then I look at the photo. And I sit in the moment just before the dance. Breathe in the music. I will be happy. Right here. Right now.


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Where bluebirds fly.

For me it’s like meditation. To focus on just the canvas. The paint. My hand. Put down what I need to see. What I need to feel. And let it come to life.

The bluebird has long been seen as the harbinger of happiness. Its origins may date back thousands of years. In Chinese mythology. Native American folklore. European fairy tales. The bluebird is everywhere. I suppose we all want to be happy. We would do well to remember this.

It wasn’t until recently that I noticed it. I’ve sung it a thousand times, “Somewhere over the rainbow.” But it became so clear when I was painting. Humming along. “…where bluebirds fly.” Maybe it’s because I was a child when I watched The Wizard of Oz. Maybe it was because it was in my grandparents’ living room. But with this childlike brain, I thought, if the bluebirds were always spreading this happiness, they had to fill themselves with it, go somewhere to gather it in — over the rainbow, for example. And if they did, allow themselves this time, then they would have something to give. 

I want to be that bluebird. I hope it is in us all to want to spread this joy. But to do that, we need to allow ourselves the time to gather it in. For me that is painting. For you, it might be baking, or gardening. Reading. Or actual meditation. Wherever your “over the rainbow” is, you need to allow yourself the time to visit. Gather all the happiness in your beautiful wings. Then, only then, I think, can you truly fly.

So if they ask you today, “Where are you going?” Smile, and reply, “Where bluebirds fly.”


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Sing.

I went for a walk this morning.  The sky was mostly gray. The ground wet from last night’s rain. I listened to a few podcasts for inspiration. The words were good, but they didn’t really leap into my heart.  So I kept walking. Looking. Turning corners, passing trees. And then the prettiest little bird flew directly in my path, landing in the tree that guards our garage. The most elegant mix of blues and yellows. I know that bird. I have painted that bird.  It was, in fact, the first bird I painted in France.  The first bird I heard in France. With a song, so delicate, so lovely, saying, “Every day she decides to be happy, and sings.”  


I was visiting with my mother on the phone yesterday. Remember when I told you that I know my grandmother’s handwriting, and how important that is? Well, maybe even more importantly, I know my mother’s laugh. It starts almost as a little chuckle and grows into the most delightful giggle. In this laugh she is young, and possible and cancer free, and she sings. She sings a song so beautiful, that when I start to laugh with her, it becomes a dance.  Because it was just yesterday when she felt the breezes from Lakeside Ballroom, dreamed of Frank Sinatra, gave her heart, smelled the youth of her children, broke her heart, and trusted her heart again…It was just today when the wind brushed her skirt, and she hoped and twirled like a little girl.

What a gift she gives me with her song. What a gift we all have been given – another day!  Another day!!!!  Be happy!  Sing it out loud!