Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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Holding everything dear.

We don’t get a lot of mail. To be honest, the mail carrier rarely slows down in front of our gate. So yesterday, when I saw the glimpse of white through the slot, it was already a surprise. But then to see my name…this was something! Not only had the letter traveled across the ocean, it transported me back in time to when I was six.

It was never lost on me, this beginning each letter with “Dear,”  — because certainly it must be, I thought. From the moment Mrs. Bergstrom taught us the salutation, all I wanted was to write a letter, and what would it be like, (I barely could let myself think of it) to receive such a letter…to know that you were in fact, dear. 

I don’t recall the cost of stamps. I barely understood the value of money, other than the quarter I received each Thursday for doing my weekly chores. I’m sure it didn’t come as a surprise when I told my mom that I wanted to forgo my allowance until I had enough to buy some stamps. She smiled and opened her purse. She unlatched the coin pocket and pulled out a stamp. She was glorious, I thought (and that didn’t come as a surprise either)!  

Not fully understanding how it worked, I wrote my first letter to the one I found most dear, sealed the envelope, licked the stamp, put it in our mailbox and raised the flag. It was the only address I knew, having memorized it before riding the school bus for the first time. I watched the mail carrier pull up to the boxes in front of our house. He put the car in park so he could retrieve the letter. He looked at the address, then saw me out of the corner of his eye. He smiled. Put down the flag. And placed the letter back in our mailbox. 

I paced the driveway nearly the entire afternoon waiting for my mom to return from work. She stopped at the mailbox, pulled the envelope to her chest, and before opening, she knew she was dear. 


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Banked.

I’m not sure if the tellers were elevated, or if it was just my five year old vantage point, but everything at First National Bank of Alexandria seemed important. I held my mother’s left hand as she struggled to remove the deposit slip from her purse with her other. I needed her to balance me as my head circled the high ceilings. Everything smelled of wood and dollar bills. When the transaction was finished, the teller thanked my mom by name. She knows her, I thought. I was so impressed! She handed me a yellow safety sucker from the bowl behind her desk. (Red was my favorite, but I still said thank you.) 

I was taught that it wasn’t polite to stare, but I couldn’t look away. I could see just the tip of it. It was a flattened cardboard pig with tiny slots filled with coins. “Would you like one,” the teller asked, “to start saving?” More than anything, I thought, and gazed up at my mom to see if it was ok. She was smiling, so I agreed. She handed me the empty cardboard pig and I thought my heart would explode. I didn’t have the words for it then, but I was part of the transaction. And I felt as high as a First National ceiling.

My little pig got heavier with each dime and nickel slotted into place. Months later, when it was full, (from the random couch coin, or my weekly allowance), my mom asked if I wanted to put it in the bank. The real bank. I did, but I wanted to hold it for a while longer…feel the weight of it, the beautiful weight of my transactions. “Hold them as long as you need,” she said. 

It feels the same with memory. Each day I place one in a heart slot, and hold on. Banked. Feeling the beautiful weight of all the joy of my days. All the hands held. The smiles exchanged. The love passed back and forth. The comforting weight of my transactions. “Can you still feel it?” they ask. “More than anything,” I reply…”more than anything!”

Hold everything dear.