In the “Age of Innocence,” (if there were ever a time), they used to say, “I didn’t think they’d try it on,” meaning, I didn’t think they’d have the guts to do it. Some may have said that about my mother, but not me.
I’m not sure she ever really knew how brave she was. I know she wanted to be. I guess I knew first, because my grandfather told me. Standing in the kitchen, opposite the sink – grandma in elbow deep – in front of the window that framed the stripped and hanging cow from the tree, he told me I could turn in, or turn out. That I could armored like my Aunt Kay, or be open like my mother. He didn’t mark either as good or bad, both would be difficult, it was just a choice. My mother returned from the other room. Broken, she had the guts to still be ruffled in white. I had already made my choice. To be wounded, but still believe in love, I would ever be “trying it on.”
It was years later, I relayed his message to her. She hadn’t known that he saw her. It wasn’t the way. I suppose it was thought, “Well, it goes without saying…” but mostly I think that means it simply goes unsaid. I can’t let it be one of those times. Ever ruffled in ruffles, I come to the page, to the canvas, to you, wide open, daily. And on those days when you think you don’t have the strength, the courage, the will, you will think of these words, these images, see my mother’s face and heart, and you will find yourself “trying it on.”
Thank God, for accidents, random acts, chance meetings, fate, worlds colliding, (maybe they are all just the chances we take) (whatever you want to call them)! These are the unknown gifts – the risks we take – the dreams we pursue without knowledge or permission. And that is the gift, I suppose, the uncertainty, because maybe if we knew everything involved, we might not do anything. If I had known how hard it was to actually learn a new language (French) in mid-life (that’s maybe generous), I’m not sure I would have made all the same decisions – and how tragic – I would have missed out on the love of my life!!! Spoiler alert – I didn’t…I took the leap of love and here I am in France, loving, creating and doing my French lesson every morning before yoga. There is more comfort in love than in certainty.
OK… but still…why is it so hard? C’mon!!!! Some days I think I just can’t learn this language — ç’est impossible!
And then those pesky women of inspiration pop up their heads — At age 40, Julia Child became a TV icon on the show The French Chef. Grandma Moses started painting at age 76. Laura Ingalls Wilder started writing at age 64. And then there’s Iris — Iris Apfel — signed to one of the world’s most prominent modeling agencies, IMG, at age 97. 97!!!! Iris! And so I don my imaginary stacks of W.W.I.D. (What would Iris do?) bracelets and sit before my leçon de français, and I try…and I learn…because that’s what strong women do! We invent, reinvent, we dare, we grow — not confined by our gender, our numbers, or ceilings. We take our accidents and chances and we make them into something beautiful! Life is beautiful, at every age! Tout est possible!
