Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…

Monthly Archives: April 2023


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Passing through.

It’s no surprise really, that when I first started to paint, a lot of the women looked like my mother. Even the greeting cards that were a bit cartoonish, carried her smile, and that unexpected wit. Proof positive, I guess, that what’s inside of you will always find a way out. 

It’s still happening, without my knowledge, or permission, people get in and come out on the canvas. I finished a small painting in my sketchbook the other day. Dominique said, “Oh, that looks like my cousin.” His son agreed. And now when I look at pictures of her, I see it. I see her. People get in.

This, I suppose, is why it’s so important to surround yourself with good people. Positive people. Positive information. Books and music that teach us. News that is actually news, and not propaganda. Because it all gets in. And if it gets in, the negativity, it will have to find its way out. And then it just grows and grows. I don’t want that passing through the stream of my heart and mind. So I make choices. Some are easy. Some are not. But all necessary. Leaving space for the joyful surprises of the goodness that travels all around me. All around us. 

The canvas continues to remind me, to “Let someone in. Let someone go. After you’ve seen it all, you won’t remember the windows and doors, but who passed through.”

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In full Selma.

I don’t know where I heard the name before, but when I saw her — this little stuffed duck that my mother gave to me for Easter — I knew her name was Selma. She was the brightest yellow I had ever held in the palm of my hand. In the palm of my heart.

It was years later, perhaps well beyond what some might call my “stuffed animal” years, (but maybe with your own mother, you never outgrow them), that she gave me a squishily wrapped Easter present. It was Selma. And not just Selma for me, my mom called her by name as well. The original duck? No. The original love? Indeed. I guess that never changes. 

I name the trees in our yard now. The plants in our house. I have always thought when love blooms so beautifully, it deserves a name. I’d like to think that they are all in on it — as nature blossoms in bright Selma all around me. Maybe that’s what Easter is — at least it is for me — a love that continues to bloom and bloom, forever in the palm of my heart.

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Tulipalooza

We were at the doctor’s office yesterday. A routine, non-urgent appointment for Dominique. A small hedge separates the office from a school. Facing the window, I could see the kids running with a ball. A makeshift soccer game on the small playground. It has occurred to me through the years, traveling through countries, cities, villages, that there is a ubiquitous sound — children playing. It has a universal language that is distinct and recognizable. Words mixed with laughter, that can only really be described as joy. 

This lilt was broken up by the sound of the ball hitting against the exterior wall of the doctor’s office. She said excuse me, and allowed herself the one minute it took to open the back door and throw the ball over the hedge to the now silent children. As soon as the ball landed on their side, their beautiful chorus continued. 

It was only a moment, but it was beautiful.

I picked a few tulips from our yard and placed them in a vase. I have always been told to place your flowers, your plants, whenever possible, in front of a mirror. This doubles the beauty. Tulips become Tulipalooza! The bouquet seems vast. The joy is reflected.

What a lesson in humanity. I ask myself, “Am I doing that? Am I reflecting the joy?” I hope I am. And it can be as easy as returning a smile. Joining the laughter. Being present. Involved. Throwing a ball back over the fence. We have a decision to make. Minute by minute. Day by day. Are we going to focus on the negative, or reflect the best of us. I want to be a part of the lilt. The song. What if we all tried to reflect the universal joy?

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Learning to fly.

I was having coffee with a friend of mine when I got the call. Deeply immersed in the big fashion issue of Vogue, I was prepared for the adventure he proposed. I didn’t know him well. He was a pilot. Had his own small plane. It was a lovely sunny day and he was “going up” and wondered if I wanted to come along. “Sure,” I said. Told my caffeinated friend. Her first question was, “What are you going to wear?”

I had the perfect outfit…so I thought. It was a combination of flow and twirl. A Michael Kors silk skirt and top. The skirt was fitted to the knee, and then flirted with a small flare. The top flowed. I was a human airplane scarf. Ready to soar. I was Faye Dunaway. Meryl Streep. I was Whitney Houston in the final scene of the BodyGuard. Cue the music! I was ready!

He pulled up to the hangar. I was underwhelmed with his baggy jeans, but still prepared to be in my own movie. We walked up to the plane. I looked for some sort of stairs. A ladder even. Anything. He was doing his pre-flight check, and told me I could get in. But could I? I replayed the movies in my head. Scarved and flowing, I saw Whitney run to the plane. But they didn’t show how she got in. How was I supposed to get in? I looked around. Trying to appear interested in the empty sky. I was really just waiting for him to get in so he wouldn’t be able to watch me crawl up the wing. He easily hoisted his long leg in his baggy jeans up on the wing and hopped in. I hoisted my skirt. What underwear was I wearing? I hadn’t thought about that. It wasn’t that kind of date. “Don’t step on the wing with those shoes,” he said. Obviously I wasn’t wearing tennis shoes with my ensemble. So I pulled myself up on the wing. Sat on my backside. Crab crawled my way in backwards. Pulled my feet in, not touching the wing. Sweating in the glaring sun, and even hotter embarrassment. I adjusted my skirt. He niner-ninered, as I sang, “I will always love you,” to myself, in my head.

I acted out the movie for my friend at Caribou Coffee the next day. It was one of our greatest laughs. My full length drama had become a latte-snorting comedy. I try to remind myself of this, during those times when I feel like I’m hoisting myself, struggling to climb the wing of the day. Everything is not as serious as it seems. I look in the morning mirror. Fling back my imaginary scarf over my shoulder, breaking into chorus, “And I, I, Iiiii, will always love you….ooooooh-ooooh!” I’m flying!

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Jelly Beans.

We often met in St. Cloud. It was half way for both of us. Just an hour for each. We tried on clothes. Praised our figures. Three-way laughed in mirrors. Had lunch slowly. Splurging with a glass of wine, while going over what we did or didn’t buy. Then lattes at Caribou or Barnes and Noble. And if the season provided, off we went to Walgreens to get the candy of choice, like Jelly Bird Eggs this time of year. 

Loosened, comforted, caffeinated, she headed north and I headed south. It was less than half an hour before I called her at the designated mark on the freeway. Pleasureland. I think they sold motorhomes. I just liked the name. When she picked up her cell phone, I got to say, “I’ve reached Pleasureland.” “I’m still lonesome,” she said. “Me too.” Then I could hear her reach inside the sack of candy. It was glorious how love made sweet and sad the same. 

We lived through it all on that route. I wrote my first book in that car, on that journey. We lived through breakups and family members passing. Weddings. Events to plan for. Outfits to buy for them. We laughed and cried on that freeway. Gathering all of our experiences. And it all got simply blended into love.

I navigate through the laughter and tears now. But daily I hear the call. She’s telling me, “I’ve reached Pleasureland.” My heart, all glorious with love, I reply, “I’m still lonesome.” She replies, “Have a jelly bean.”

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Mystery and Peace.

I didn’t see it the first time I passed. There is a giant stone marking the gravel path that I walk on every day. (And I must add, I pay attention to the stone because it reminds me of the one that marked the driveway to my grandfather’s house.) 

It’s close to an hour by the time I make my way out and back, searching for asparagus. Instead of walking past the large stone a second time, I cut through the field, usually rich with asparagus, and then wind my way up the large hill. As I started back down something caught my eye. I wasn’t sure what it was. A woman sitting on the stone? An animal? I couldn’t quite make it out. When I got to the bottom of the hill, I saw it. Four rocks placed perfectly in order to balance on the large one. No glue. No cement. Nothing to hold them, but balance.

Voices carry easily on this path. But I never heard anyone. Never saw anyone. Had they brought the stones with them? How did they manage to find them? Place them? In such a short time. 

I hadn’t seen the art of balancing stones until I moved to France. With mountains and rivers so near, the options are plentiful. With mild research, I found that it was all a meditation in balance. Finding the core strength to stand tall, no matter what nature throws at you. 

I suppose I’ve felt off balance for a few months now. Losing my mother was like losing one of the rocks that held me upright. I hope it’s not arrogant to think this is a sign for me. I don’t think so. Maybe we’re all here to give each other signs. To pick up the stones, when others are weary. To give each other hope. Through words. Paintings. Gestures. Even rocks. And if we can do that for each other, then I think we can create a world of balance that we all long for.

My grandfather gave me this. My mother did too. Maybe they still are. Or maybe the duty has been passed along the path. I find comfort in it all. 

A few days ago a friend of mine sent an email and signed it, Mystery and Peace. I guess that says it all. I hope you find both on your path today.

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Rise.

As one who maneuvered day to day, bandaged from knee to heart, these Weebles fascinated me. Careful not to get blood on the wall to wall carpeting, I sat ten inches from the color television set and watched them wobble. I sang along, “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.” For me they weren’t just a toy, but inspiration. I begged my mother mid-week, and waited the eternity for Saturday to arrive. I sat beside her anxiously at the laundromat. Listening. Praying for the spin cycle. Then the dryer. I ran the baskets to the back of the Chevy Impala and finally, finally, she drove to main street and parked in front of the Ben Franklin. I raced through the front doors to the back of the store. Gazed frantically through all the colors. Toy, by plastic toy. Then my eyes landed on the Weebles. They were so beautiful. So certain. I held the boxed family in my hands and smiled with want at my mom. She smiled in agreement and started walking to the counter.  “Would you like a bag?” the woman behind the counter asked. “No.” I needed them in my hands. Nothing could separate me. Not even a thin layer of plastic. 

As advertised, they didn’t fall. I wobbled them on stairs and gravel. Night stands and kitchen tables. I taped them to the back of my banana seat bike. Put them on the dash of the car. Stuffed them in pockets. 

They held firm. I continued to fall. But I was happy. It turned out I had the stability all along. It was her. The one who washed my clothes. Bandaged my knees. Held the back of my bicycle. Used her hard earned money to buy me impermanent things. Used her hard earned heart to keep me upright. She was the one who taught me the greatest lesson of all, “Sure, I’ve fallen, but oh, how I can rise!”

I wobbled through yesterday. Just one of those days. I smile with want at this morning’s sun, and I RISE!

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You don’t have to blend to belong.

Our jeans were impossible to get off. We cinched the cuff. Rolled it a little. Then took safety pins to secure our coolness. Problems soon arose. Gym class. To change your clothes in the allotted five minutes was nearly impossible. This, combined with the fact that everyone was doing it — and how were we really “cool,” or different if the whole school waddled in the safety of being pinned? — made me quit the fad rather quickly.

I suppose I’ve never been one to blend. Maybe we think there is security in numbers. But to be lost in a crowd, is still being lost. And I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s oh so necessary. Oh so rewarding. To make your own way. Your own path. To follow it. And to allow yourself to veer. And those that are meant to walk with you will find their way. Without pulling or prodding. And that journey will be more than cool – it will be magical. Every step of the way.

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For good.

They were the whitest things I had ever seen. So delicate. When my mom handed them to me, I couldn’t believe they were my size. They weren’t winter gloves. And my birthday had passed. It wasn’t yet Easter. “Could I try them on?” “Of course,” she said. I slipped my chubby little fingers in the first one. And then the next. I wriggled the tiny faux pearl button into the opposite string on my wrist. I put each arm out. One at a time. And gazed at them, as maybe only little girls do. “Are they for good?” I asked, meaning for special occasions, holidays. “Yes,” she nodded. “They’re for YOU.” I beamed. It was me. I was the special occasion.

I wore them all day. Pulling my stuffed animals and baby dolls in my rusted wagon. Up and down the gravel road. I’m sure they got dirty. But I only remember the pureness of it all. Of the love given freely. My mother never waited for a special occasion. I knew I was loved. Every day.

We have a wine refrigerator. In it there are wines from the grocery store. Some that were gifts. Some that were purchased at very exclusive vineyards. I don’t pretend to know a lot about wine. I have caught myself at times thinking, when pulling out a bottle for a Tuesday evening, is this too good for a Tuesday? Should we save it? I shake my head and know – we are the good, the special, the occasion to be celebrated.

I encourage you to light the candle. Drink the wine. Wear the nice clothes. Eat the chocolate. Speak freely and often the words of love! For good!

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Winning.

I had played on teams for years before I understood that the “A” in “Bring your A game” didn’t stand for Alexandria. But I liked that it did. I mean I always knew that it meant the coach wanted us to be our best. To do our best. For ourselves. For our team. For our hometown – Alexandria. I suppose, in a joyful way, I will always want to do my best for this place. 

Now there are other cities that do this for me as well. New York. Paris. They make me want to be a better artist. A better human. I read books by great authors, in hopes of becoming a better writer. I visit museums. Watch videos. Sketch. Learn. Repeat. And maybe most importantly, I try to surround myself with people who are doing the same. Not the same things necessarily, but trying to do their best at whatever they do. Because as we learned in school, you always play better against the better team. 

My mother (Ivy) didn’t know anything about sports. But oh, did she have game! And she brought it. Even in her toughest times. She brought it with style. Elegance. Lipstick. Grace. And an endless supply of breath mints in her purse. She taught me more about winning than any coach. Any team. Winning was playing when you didn’t feel like it. Winning was getting up. Getting dressed. Presenting your best self to this world. Not to convince them, but to convince yourself — you were worthy, you were someone. Winning was laughing beyond the tears. Winning was loving, beyond a cracked heart. Winning was teaching your daughter to be her best. Do her best.

I have a lot to live up to. That is not pressure, but a welcome challenge. The sun is coming up. I reach for the best inside of me — not just my A-game, but my I-game as well. I smile in the mirror. And put a breath mint in my purse.

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