Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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Ivy and Vera.

It wasn’t just a scarf, it was a Time Machine.

We went into the colorful gallery. Scarves everywhere. Paintings on the wall in the same images. I recognized immediately the signature on the scarves. Vera. The same name I had pulled out of my mother’s bottom dresser drawer for years.

I wasn’t allowed to “play” with them. But I could touch. Admire. She even showed me how to tie around my chubby, youthful neck — a neck that would one day grow into its own curiousity and self-esteem. It felt smooth and empowering. She tied the loop and the name Vera hung proudly. “Who is Vera?” I asked. “She’s one of us,” she said. That’s all I needed to know.

I had no idea of money at the time. It wasn’t about that. Yesterday in the gallery, the curator explained that Vera wanted all women to feel beautiful, to have the chance to accessorize themselves into something more, and so she created her line to be sold from Bergdorf’s to Herberger’s. Scarved and strong, my mother, in my eyes, surpassed both.

I wear them all the time. In different names. Different colors. Purchased in France, or at Goodwill, it doesn’t really matter. Because to be grouped with the grace (which means for me, not ease, but beauty and strength amidst all of life’s adversity) — to be called by grace itself, her gently saying, “She’s one of us.”


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Guts. Grace.

I was reminded of it yesterday while doing a podcast. Something I had written years ago. Words I carry with me — “Now is the time for guts and grace.” Of course the words “guts and grace” are key, but perhaps they are far less important without the word “now.” Now means ever and always. 

Some might say, “well, from time to time, sure, but I don’t need guts every day.” I’m not sure I agree. For me, I think if I’m doing it right, living the way that I want to – I DO need them daily. Because if I need them, that means I’m pushing myself to do more, to be more. It means I’m taking risks. Trying to grow. Letting people in. Feeling everything. And all of that takes real courage — real guts!  But I don’t want to be bulldozer brave – knocking over everything, everyone in sight. Hence, the grace. And what a delicate balance to stumble through. And I do stumble. I do fumble. So I carry the words with me. Now.

They asked me in the interview yesterday if my mother was an artist. “Well, she made me, didn’t she?” Her openness, her pure love and joy in allowing me to be me, was more of an artistic gift than if she had handed me the paints and brushes and guidebook of Cezanne himself. Her standing tall, shoulders back, bloused in white ruffles, lips rouged above a softened, forgiving jaw, even as her heart dragged behind her size 10.5 Herberger shoes, was the most beautiful, the most artistic example of guts and grace I had ever seen. These words were written long before they settled on paper. I carry them now. She is with me now.

It’s not to say she wasn’t worried about being brave. She often did. Who doesn’t? (I guess to answer that — those not really living.) I don’t know what today will bring, but I do know what I’ll carry with me — what has been passed from my grandmother to mother to me. From their now to mine. Ever. Guts and grace.


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Guts and grace.

Boxing has been described as one hurt demanding another. One punch thrown, and then the counter. It would have been easy for her to live this way. She had been hurt so much. She had taken punch after punch. And she knew some became used to it. Some embraced it. It’s hard not to. It hard to turn from the violence that climbs in the ring with you each day. But she didn’t want to fight anymore. She didn’t want to carry pain with her, heavy, like a broken promise. So maybe one hurt did demand another. The only way out was to stop hurting. Stop being hurt. And so she climbed between the ropes. Left the smell of sweat and anger behind. Prayed that one act of bravery demanded another. Prayed that one smile demanded another. Prayed that one joy demanded another. And it did. Gentle people surrounded her now. People with love and laughter. People with hearts. She is living proof that one grace demands another.