Jodi Hills

So this is who I am – a writer that paints, a painter that writes…


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Beside the flame.

He would call me up at work to tell me things like “You can’t waste time before you’re 35.” Doing nothing on a Wednesday afternoon, but for reading this article, he thought it was important to let me know. Both of us in our early twenties, we gave ourselves the permission for things like that — contemplating and justifying our youthful actions, never imagining that time would actually pass, and pass at lightning speed.

His current days were slow, in between freelance jobs, and mine were slow, endlessly working on the catalog.

Just out of college, I did layout and design. It sounds more glamorous than it was. My current project was to create a plumbing and heating catalog. Hundreds of pages. Thousands of parts. Number after number. All under an impossible deadline. Because prices had a lifespan, they could change before I finished one section. And to complete this monstrosity and get it to print before all the pricing would actually change, well it just seemed impossible. So when my best friend would call with important news like he thought he might resemble Tristan (Brad Pitt) from the Legends of the Fall movie, and should he buy a horse, and what about parking, could you park a horse? — to this, even though I knew I could and had fallen legendary, I had to reply, “I’m working on the catalog…”

After months of getting this response he decided that when complete, we would burn this catalog. True to his word, he arrived in our parking lot the day the printer dropped off the cartons. When everyone had left for the day, we took a garbage barrel and rolled it to the center of the parking lot. Of course we said a few words, we were dramatic like that, and set fire to the pages that separated our unwastable time for all these months. I suppose we could have emptied the barrel. But we didn’t. Soon the flame rose higher than our youthful hopes, and became far too obvious for those driving by on Hopkins Crossroad. I couldn’t see if he was praying, but I knew I was — praying in slight fear that the flames would get away from us, but really more in gratitude that I had such a champion. A champion who marked the moments. Who recognized my time.

Sitting in the studio yesterday, painting in my sketchbook that no one will see, listening to Oprah and Brene Brown talk about being seen, being heard, being valued…I thought, “I just need a champion.” And it’s not about vanity, or ego, it is simply having someone stand beside the flames and knowing together this was time well spent.

I sent my sketch to Margaux — sweet, little Margaux, who is so free with her wows! She sent the hearts and the open mouth smiley, and said it was beautiful. And my time was not wasted. Each tiny stroke in this sketchbook brought to me my champion. And I gave thanks beside the flame.


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Not too busy.

David Holte was my best friend on Van Dyke Road. This was all before we started questioning things. Like why there was a big mound of dirt next to his house. Why was it fun to move that dirt around? I never asked him where his parents were, or what they did. Neither of us wondered if boys and girls could actually be friends.

Once school started, everything began to change. It only took one ride of teasing before we stopped sitting together. I don’t know if he missed me. Again, we didn’t ask things like that. He sat with the boys and showed them how he could touch his nose with his own tongue, a trick once reserved just for me. And I sat with girls in dresses and patent leather shoes, homework tucked neatly on my lap.

I don’t know if he moved away before I stopped missing him, or just the opposite. But somewhere around the fifth grade, a new David moved into the neighborhood. Barbie had become my best friend. We shared everything. Sleepovers and pajamas. Secrets and homework. She lived in Victoria Heights. We spoke on the phone for hours each night. The cord wrapped around our heads, going over the day’s events in the team room of Washington Elementary.

I assumed it was one of her sisters on the phone, the first time I called and got a busy signal. When it began to happen more frequently, I asked her about it. She said it was David Wyatt — the new David on Van Dyke Road. The innocence of my “Holte” period had long passed. We were questioning things. About friendships and boys and girls. And in the sound of that busy signal, I could feel everything changing.

It had been several days since we talked (which is a lifetime in fifth grade). So when the phone rang about 5:30pm, I raced through the kitchen to grab it from the wall. It was her. I took off into conversation. About Wendy and Lori and Kyle and Chris… and this week’s spelling trip. But she stopped me abruptly. She wasn’t at home. She was calling from the neighbor’s house. Why? She began to explain that she had been on the phone with David. My heart already began to sink. He must have forgotten to hang up the phone, she said, because they were still connected. The lines tied. She wanted me to walk to his house and tell him to hang up the phone. This is why she called. Of course I was devastated. Of course I did it anyway. Dragging my feet in the gravel. It was his sister Taffy who opened the door. I explained the situation. She found David and smacked him on the back of the head before putting the receiver back in its proper place on the wall.

So everything was in place. And I felt completely lost.

I don’t know when the Wyatts left Van Dyke Road. Probably not long before we did. I mention it only because never have we been more dependent on our cell phones. Lost without them. When really, it’s always been about our connections, not the objects that connect us.

Surrounded by doubt and questions, the world will forever keep changing. But one thing remains constant, sure, our need to be seen, to be heard, to be surrounded by those who say, for you, I’m not too busy.


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Not too busy.

Maybe because I never had to doubt it with my mother, I was able to write about it. 

We used to spend hours trying on clothes together. When the “fit” really fit — oh, it was magnificent. Praises of oohs and aahs filled the air. And when it missed, the knee hugging laughter went on through the entire fashion cycle. We were safe. Together. Seeing each other. Loving each other. From the lowest to the highest moments. Finding the beauty of it all along the way. 

For a couple of years, the clothing store J.Jill carried my book, “I’m not too busy.” Of course it was also at bookstores. Galleries. Gift stores where I sold my artwork. But this was something special. J.Jill didn’t sell any other books. Just clothing. We had shopped in the Ridgedale store enough for some of the clerks to know us. One Saturday morning, properly caffeinated with Caribou, we began trying on the J.Jill clothing. Continuously giggling in the delight of books being in the dressing room and on display throughout the store. It was the perfect pocket of time. 

My mother brought the white linen blouse to the counter to purchase. She looked lovely in it. I told her so. The clerk had as well. My book rested on the counter as my mother reached for her credit card. The J.Jill employee looked at me, in that way that maybe she knew me. And perhaps she had looked at my bio in the book, or maybe she just remembered from last Saturday. It didn’t matter. We all had been seen. And that was the gift. 

I have that blouse. Along with those precious moments. I carry them daily. I will never be too busy to remember. My heart giggles, and I am seen.